Dear Santa...

Dear Santa, you are probably wondering why on earth I would be writing you a letter. I have to admit, as an almost 18-year old, my belief in you is about as strong as my belief in that I'll become a Powerpuff Girl one day. But why shouldn't I believe in you just because I got older? I've outgrown you, the tooth fairy, and well I never believed in the Easter bunny to begin with. If people can still believe in God or multiple gods when I don't, or at least have faith, then why can't I have faith in something that seems a little ridiculous?

I doubt that you'll have time to read this letter - after all it's already December and you're busy making toys and iPads for the kids of the world, but I still have things I want to wish for... I know you can't grant every wish - even fairy godparents can't, but I'm hoping your magic can do something.

1. I want to come out to my family and not have them judge me. They have never been rude or anything towards homosexuality, but I feel like me being bisexual would just give them more reason to be disappointed in me. I can tell that they aren't thrilled with who I've become.
2. I want to get into UIUC. It's my dream school, and I'll cry if I don't get in.
3. I want a significant other - boy or girl. I'm nervous to try being with another guy, for reasons I've blogged about time and time again, but there is this one guy I wouldn't mind being with. He's extremely confusing and random, just like all of my friends, yet still something I haven't encountered before. I know you probably can't make people fall in love, but if you can somehow erase the nervousness or ask Cupid to push us a little closer together, that would be nice - I'll try to take it from there.
4. I want my friends to be happy. A lot of them aren't happy for different reasons. Maybe you could give them all puppies.
5. I'd like a puppy too. I might have to wait till I get my own place though - my mom isn't an animal person.
6. I want to be able to spend my life without worrying if my depression will take over me. I hate feeling suicidal. I've held off from harming myself for 8 years now - how much longer can I handle that?
7. I want my mom to be... less of a pain. She has anger issues, but I'm sure that if anyone tried to tell her that, she's bite their head off. My grandma already tried telling her about it, and my mom has little respect for her.
8. I want there to be a cure for Autism. My brothers have been affected by it for 19 years now, and it's been a burden on them, me, my mom, and my whole family. Imagine the other families struggling to stay together because of the problems Autism causes for them.
9. I want to meet my father, just so I can find out why he isn't here now.
10. I know this is a job far beyond your power, but if you ever get a chance, could you help end world suffering? You know: famine, poverty, disease, bullying, senseless murder, all of those terrible things. If Pandora held a box with all the sin and evil that would ever plague the world, then why can't someone who created them and put them in the box in the first place be able to put them back? I know you don't have all the answers, Santa - I'm just wondering.

There are plenty of other things I would love to do with my life - I have career goals and ideas and such, but I'd rather do those on my own. All I'm asking for is for you to give me a reason to keep trying to get to my future. I know suicide seems like the coward's way out, but there are so many problems and questions that I just can't deal with anymore. If you could give me at least one of the things on my list, then I'll try harder to live my life.

Love, Jerica

P.S. I try to leave some cookies out for you.