Lonely (And it's all my fault)

Trying not to have an emo blog update, but I feel more defective than usual.

Today, we had an art showcase for my summer program, and for once my mom didn't offer any criticism. Thumbs up right? Well, the whole day, I was obsessing over my friend who I recently realized that I liked. I can't even say that it's a huge crush or deep admiration, it's a regular crush that I always get that starts out like a huge burning fire then fizzles out when I realize there are actually few things that I know about and/or like about this person. I'm used to the crushing thing, but that's what made me sad. I thought that I was finally past the small crush faze where I like a person for a maximum three or four months before moving on, but here I am again. I've had two boyfriends, reaccessed my sexuality, openly flirted and conversed with new people, even gotten a guy's phone number, yet I'm back at square one.

I am extremely apathetic when it comes to relationships. I want to be in one but I can't put much effort into it. And when things start to go farther, I just shut down, becoming submissive and uncaring. I tell them I don't know what I want, and things immediately die out because of lack of communication.

Why can't I just fix myself so that I can be happy? I don't want to spend my life obsessing over my friends because they are the only people who listen to and put up with me, I don't want to lie to my family because I'm afraid of more criticism, and I don't want to keep torturing myself with self-criticism. I can't give up on trying to get with someone because that is one of few things I look forward to in my life that I can deal with right now. The only other thing is having friends, getting along with my family, and making a successful career - one is ever-changing, the next is impossible, and the last isn't gonna happen for at least 5 years.

Ugh... why? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't my brain just shut up?