Well, this quote usually pisses me off. It still kinda does. I mean, if you can't do it, you wonder how you can teach someone else to do it. But now I guess I know what it's saying: if you are good at something, you want to go out and do it - make a living with it, show the world your talent, even kind of keep it to yourself because it makes you feel special and talented. But if you can't do something, you tend to tell others what not to do. Like when parents try to live their lives through their kids - they failed at following their dreams how they wanted to, so they try to show their kids what not to do and how to follow their own dreams (or the parent's dreams) successfully. Basically, you tell people not to do something stupid so that they can be successful, and I guess you can ride off of their success because you couldn't manage it yourself.
I don't mean to make anyone sound selfish, but it's like if you're an actor and you got the part you wanted in a play, you want to impress everyone with your skills and would kill the person who tries to take your spotlight. But if something happens, like you get sick the day before the performance, then you can't do it anymore. So you want someone else to go on in your place, like an understudy, and make the play as best as it can be because it still kinda has your name on it and you still love it.
So, I had a point to make with all this. Lately, I've been giving lots of friends advice. I know, I should have no business doing so considering I fail at life, but maybe I'm just not meant to do the things I want to do. I want to have a good relationship where both me and him are happy, but I can't accomplish that yet. So I want to help my friends get in relationships so that they can be happy, and at least someone will be happy and in a way I would have created a successful relationship.
No, I haven't actually got them into a relationship yet, but they have made progress with their crushes, and well... only time and a lot of pushing will tell how things will work out. As for me, well... I still haven't talked to my boyfriend. Avoiding him like the plague, actually. I planned out exactly what I would say and even how I would respond to him because I can somewhat figure out what he would say. But I don't have the cajones to call him. Plus, the more I plan out something, the more likely it is to fail. So, yeah...
But there is an upside to all this:
This has been the first blog update where I wasn't totally depressed. Maybe it's because I get to see my best friends everyday, or make new friends, or keep myself busy, but I'm happy and I want to stay this way as long as possible.
In this blog, I can finally say what bothers me and tell what is on my mind. In real life, I have to put my problems aside to help other people and keep myself going, but here is where I can "infer upon some indirect musings" as my friend put it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
I can't breathe
I wish you would understand that I need a break from you all. Even spending half of the day away from you all is not enough. You all are so suffocating and every minute I spend dealing with you is another minute I wish I was unconscious.
I love every single one of you. Really, I do.
But you all are way too much to handle at once.
If I can deal with this for the rest of my senior year, then I will look forward to going to college. I can deal with more school work and long distance, as long as my brain is free from at least some stress.
I love every single one of you. Really, I do.
But you all are way too much to handle at once.
If I can deal with this for the rest of my senior year, then I will look forward to going to college. I can deal with more school work and long distance, as long as my brain is free from at least some stress.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
"Skip to the ending... I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up happy?"
"Skip to the ending... I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up happy?"
It's weird... as much as I love stories and happy endings, I can't really see myself wanting to know how my story will end. Mostly because I'm pretty sure it'll be the exact same way as it is now: me having everything I could possibly need, the possibility to have what I desire if I work hard for it, yet me never being truly happy. I feel spoiled and bratty, and often bitchy. I snap at people who are my friends and family and who want to help me. I can't let myself be happy because every single thought in my head just brings me down. Looking at my brothers and their autism, I wonder if I have my own mental problems. Depression never scared me. But schizophrenia? I'm not really one to self-diagnose, and I hate when people try to solve other people's problems without even knowing all the symptoms, but if I had to say what was ailing me, I'd say schizophrenia is a close one.Right now, I am debating whether or not to break up with my boyfriend, not because he has done anything wrong because he hasn't, but because this whole thing is stressing me out to no end. He'd understand, and I know a lot of my friends have seen this coming, but I really don't know how he would react. Of course, I won't actually do this. I'll chicken out as always. I can't figure out if my chickening out of everything is a good thing or not.
Labels:
crazy,
depressed,
depression,
problems,
schizophrenia,
story
Friday, June 10, 2011
People only express their true feelings online, where the keyboard is their sword and the screen their shield.
"People only express their true feelings online, where the keyboard is their sword and the screen their shield."
I don't remember when I first said this, but it's true, isn't it? Cyber-bullies would most likely not bother that person in real life. I know me and a lot of others wouldn't say how they really feel about themselves or their life if they had to say it to the people it involved.
Why has the internet become our place to speak? Does this mean that written or verbal expression is dying out?
I don't remember when I first said this, but it's true, isn't it? Cyber-bullies would most likely not bother that person in real life. I know me and a lot of others wouldn't say how they really feel about themselves or their life if they had to say it to the people it involved.
Why has the internet become our place to speak? Does this mean that written or verbal expression is dying out?
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