"When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great."

The ups and downs of depression are entirely frustrating. It seems like every time I post on my blog, I go from a happy and hopeful post to a "woe is me" post, as if my blog itself is bipolar.

I'm not exactly sure how to phrase it, but yesterday, one of my "friends" kind of... molested me. I can't find a better word for it. All the seniors had a field trip to a movie theatre to watch a documentary b/c most of the school was taking practice tests, and I don't know, it's just, the whole time after the lights dimmed, he was... I just... okay if I don't write what happened now then I'm not helping myself at all. He was touching my breasts, and I'll explain right now that that wasn't a red flag for me b/c my friends and I have been known to do that for a while now. I know it's stupid, but I've had an apathetic attitude since 6th grade, and that includes not caring if people invade my personal space, unless they touch my stomach b/c it reminds me that I am not comfortable with my weight - I have a lot of issues. He was laying on my shoulder and kept touching me, but what raised a red flag was that he kissed my hand - numerous times. Even when I pulled my hand away, shrugged away from him, turned to face my other friend, or tried to keep him from taking my hand again by folding my arms and not letting in easily, he did not get the hint. When the movie was over and we were leaving, he kept hugging me from behind and I told him stop and moved his arms off of me, he still didn't get it. Back at school, I was still uncomfortable with him and he was still with me and my three friends, and I told two of my friends what happened, and Brandon was like "why didn't you say something?" In fact, most of my friends asked that same question when I told them - I still can't find an answer. One of my other "friends", Loretta, kept messing w/ me, sending me texts saying "He's next to you" and "Is he bothering u?" when she was right behind me. I didn't find it funny and she was getting on my nerves. Then she kept calling my name when I tried ignoring her. When we left the auditorium, I blew up and shouted.

"YOU'RE A BITCH (Loretta) AND YOU'RE A PERVERT (Andre) AND I WISH YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!!" and I stormed off. A minute later, Brandon came after me and tried to cheer me up. And then I noticed that Andre was still following.

I had just yelled at him, loud enough for others to hear, clearly voicing my disgust and anger, and yet he was still hanging around! Brandon sensed how awkward the situation was, so he continued to make things more awkward by saying random observations like "The sky is really blue today." I understand he didn't know how to fix things, and that's fine. Andre was still with us when we stopped to get food, and eventually he left on his own. Brandon was upset w/ me for not saying anything during the movie, but I really couldn't find any words. I couldn't verbally tell Andre to stop, I couldn't ask Brandon for help, I really couldn't say anything except "please sit next to me on the bus, Brandon."

I've told a few more of my friends what happened, and they were all in Anime Club, so they offered to talk to him. I just... didn't want to get involved.

The next day in Anime Club, we were watching anime... in the dark. I felt panicky and made sure I wasn't sitting near Andre, but all I could do was focus on him, and after an episode of anime, I got up and went for a walk. I couldn't handle being in the dark with him again. When I came back to the room later, he was gone, and my friend Sheridane said that she talked to him and told him it wasn't right, and he said okay. I really want this to all go away.

It just doesn't make any sense. Why do I keep having bad things happen to me? Why is it, even after all the triumphs I've made, I still find it hard to talk to people? I hate interviewing people even for a short question, and I'm a reporter, so that's a huge problem. I couldn't tell Andre to stop, or tell Brandon I needed help, and I even felt awkward telling my friends what happened. I really only told Brandon, Loretta, and Sheridane, but the group overheard me telling Sherry what happened, and so I explained it like five or six times.

What made matters worse was that I was really looking forward to getting the courage to talk to the girl I fawned over in two blog posts ago, but she wasn't even there today and I never see her around school. I felt like crying again today, but nothing actually fell. Some of my friends like Sherry and Ignacio could tell I was upset and kept bothering me to tell them why, but I just don't feel like explaining myself anymore. My best friends tried to make a joke of it, saying they would get me a mail order bride, and "kidding aside, you'll find someone some day. and they're probably battling the same demons so then you can battle demons together and be happy! right! because demons cancel out demons." I couldn't laugh, I just told them I wasn't going to talk right now. I don't think they were hurt - they just left the chat to do homework.

All I've been doing right now is listening to Coldplay and blogging my heart out. I just don't see why I keep dealing with shit like this. I'm highly unstable, and all I want to do right now is cry again, and do my homework and finish high school and finish my college applications and get accepted and go and get my career and just leave my stupid problems behind, but even if I could do that, the most random-ass new problems would pop up and next thing you know I'm gonna be found dead in my apartment.

I really don't want that to happen. I really, really, really want to live. I just don't want to live this life anymore.

Going back to the quote - the picture and the title of this post - I have to say that when I read the quote, it really filled me with hope for a minute. And I'd still like to believe that it is true - I mean I highly expect it to be true. I just wonder how long I'm going to have to keep pulling before I can finally break free.

If We Were A Movie

Nowadays, my friends poke fun at me when I'm being overly silly with my female friends, saying "You are definitely bisexual." When I was questioning and when I actually did come out, they were all indifferent, like "well we knew that already, we were just waiting for you to admit it." I don't understand how what took me years to figure out was just so obvious to most of my friends, but I am glad the transition has not been problematic.

Lately, I've been noticing that I'm getting a little too friendly with my female friends. I joke with them all the time, but I just go too far now and they get annoyed or uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I'm still new to this and am still sort of experimenting, but I have never been this open and crazy with any of my guys friends, not even the ones I had a crush on. Maybe it's because I've been feeling extra lonely, since most of my friends are getting into relationships or have new love interests. I'm almost thrilled at the idea that my chances at love are expanded now - it's given me a little hope, which I've desperately needed (I've been a little down in the dumps... as usual). I hadn't really had a strong attraction to any certain girl though...

Not until today anyway.

First of all, since I woke up this morning, the song "Kiss The Girl" from The Little Mermaid has been stuck in my head all day. I didn't know why - I hadn't listened to the song or anything remotely similar to that (the last song I listened to a rap song), but all day, my brain would hum a nice a capella version of the song in my voice (if my voice could handle singing more than one note). After school, at my Anime Club meeting, we had some new members, which is to be expected since it's still early in the school year. My friend Bria said that her friend wanted to know what "foofin-coffin" meant. *"Foofin-coffin" is a word that me, Bria, and Brandon came up with one day when trying to replace a curse word, but now we just use foofin-coffin in any context because it's funny to say* I told Bria to tell her what we always tell people what it meant - that it's when you "foof" in a coffin. It's still part of the joke, we don't expect people to keep following after that.

A few minutes later, I see this new girl and she is GORGEOUS. Like, she honestly had me stopping dead in my tracks. I was scared that I suddenly felt nervous. My plan was to go over to her, say hi, and introduce myself as the club's publicist, and the time seemed right because the other club board members were having a debate about something while trying to set up the projector to show the anime (japanese cartoons). So I finally got the confidence to talk to her. Here's how it went:

Me- Hi.
Her- Hi.
Me- What's your name?
Her- Lauren.
Me- I'm Jerica. I'm the club's publicist, and don't worry, I'm not as crazy as the other board members are.
Her- *laughs* Okay.
Me- What grade are you in?
Her- Junior.
Me- Oh, I haven't seen you before.
Her- I'm new [transfer student].
Me- Oh, okay. *I smile and turn to walk away*
Her- Wait!
Me- *turn around*
Her- What does foofin-coffin mean?
Me- *jaw drops to floor, face is burning. My thoughts: CRAP.*
      Uh... *my confidence is shot now* I-It's when you... foof... in a coffin.
Her- What's foofing?
Me- *Thoughts: DOUBLE CRAP - NO ONE EVER ASKS THAT.*
      Uh... I'll tell you when you're older. *small smile*
*She laughs and I flee in embarrassment, pretending to listen to this person talking to me*

OH. MY. GOD. I WANTED TO DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT. I can never use the word foofin-coffin again. I can't even think it without the whole scene replaying in my head. I have never felt that nervous or embarrassed in front of a guy before. But you want to know what really blew me away? All I wanted to do was hold hands with her. That's what my brain kept thinking, us holding hands. THIS CRUSH IS THE REAL DEAL. I have no idea how to handle this. God, she was so pretty - light skin, dark red hair, beautiful face, and since she came to Anime Club and she's friends with Bria, she must be weird like I am.

If I see her around school, or see her next week at Anime Club, I will flee and hide under a table.

Oh, Fate, how you taunt me.