Busy Bisexual

So, I told my straight female crush that I liked her and got rejected by her, and later on in that day my other female friend told me she's been in love with me for like three years but I only like her as a friend. And when I tell her that, she still asks me out on a date and to prom - I don't want to reject three times! It was like she was trying to force me into a relationship through guilt. (She is a forceful person anyway). And now I'm waiting like a puppy dog to hear back from this girl I've been messaging online because she knows about my depression and even shared with me her mental problems and I really like talking to her, and she lives in my city of all places.

It's a busy week to be bisexual. Maybe I should focus on my celebrity guy crushes again - less hassle since I don't have to actually talk to them.

Proud To Be Out

I will not hide fancy in the fairer sex,
Nor place my feet upon these poor downtrodden necks.
I will not mumble profane words when I can shout displeasure,
Nor dance around my true feelings by talking 'bout the weather,
For if her beauty embraces my cold set eyes,
And her intellect easily rivals mine,
And her imagination inspires my soul,
Then shouldn't my love for her be what I show?

Finally Breathing

I'm scared I'm using my sexuality as an escape from my problems. Of course I have to explain this. You see, lately, I haven't been able to get the "molestation" issue out of my head. I haven't forgiven Andre or even acknowledged his presence, but the idea that I just sat there and let myself feel so uncomfortable and taken advantage of has bothered me so much, and as Fate likes to do, I am still reminded of it at the most random of times. Now it feels like whenever I feel lonely or depressed, it pops back into my head, encircling me. I don't know why. And it's bothered me even more because now I feel absolutely uncomfortable when guys touch me. Considering I was already awkward and uncomfortable with guys acknowledging my existence before, this is really annoying me. I'm feeling paranoid almost. 

It's not like I expect to have better luck with females than I have with guys. I honestly haven't had very bad luck with guys - I've had two boyfriends. But I never voiced my opinions. I let them walk all over me and gave them what they wanted - to an extent. I haven't given myself up for them, but I've given them my heart and my soul time and time again, and they didn't respect it. No one saw it as a bad relationship though. Not them, not me, not my friends - even though they voice their dislike of one of my boyfriends, it didn't really have to do with me. I just feel like I expect to end up in a relationship with a girl and it will fill in the missing pieces I've needed in romance, like a first date, or real nonsexual bonding. But I don't want to feel like my bad luck with one gender means I should try out the other one, like picking the runner-up or initiating plan B.

It's amazing - most people have to deal with so much drama because of their sexuality, but for me, my sexuality is barely an issue for me. It's everything else that is driving me insane.

Sometimes, I read stories about people who were touched inappropriately by family or something, and luckily that hasn't happened in my family, but I feel like something just hasn't happened correctly. I don't know anything about my dad, and sometimes I wonder if I would rather have a horrible father in my life then no father at all. I hate feeling empty or incomplete - I hate it more than anything. I always feel faulty, like I was given pieces of scrap metal and rejected parts to piece my life together and expected to come up with a masterpiece.

I don't want to be in a relationship really, even though I've been saying I've wanted to for years now. A relationship is the last thing an unstable person like me needs right now. But seeing everyone else happy... I mean half the people I know are getting into relationships all of the sudden, so I can't help but feel a little lonely. I no longer feel stressed by my life, but now I've fallen back into my apathetic state, which I haven't visited since ninth grade. I'm worried I've crashed and burned and will end up back where I started. I haven't done most of my schoolwork, haven't worked on college apps, just barely finish my work assignments on time. JoLynn keeps telling me to take deep breaths to relax, but I'm afraid I took one breath too many and exhausted every bit of caring that was left in me.

When I was in 8th grade, my English teacher called me "apathetic". After looking up what it meant, I decided to prove her wrong. I started writing a book about myself, titled Apathetic Girl. I lost what I had written in 9th grade and didn't revisit the novel idea because, I was still apathetic. But when I think about it, my response to her was the opposite of apathetic. I was determined to prove her wrong, and let everyone know why I had given up on trying or caring. I still do that now, but... I don't know. 

I keep telling myself I'm not running away, and that running away never solves your problems, but all I want to do is get into college and move away and have "the relationship I deserve when I get into college" that my friends assure me I will have. But that's not going to solve anything. I don't know if it will make things worse, but it won't make them much better. 

Have you ever... felt like you actually did belong in the place that you were? I know everyone feels like they don't belong, but maybe I do belong here, and I'm not meant to escape because my problems will follow me. Maybe I do belong here, wallowing in the muck while I dream distant dreams. Lets face it - I'm no Cinderella. I'm not a princess waiting to be rescued, no matter how many times I fantasize that I'm in a Disney movie. There was never a bisexual princess who demonized everyone around her because she hated her own life, and there was no princess who didn't dream big, and there was never a princess who had human friends and siblings related by blood and an immense feeling of imperfecktion.

But... maybe that's because... Disney is waiting for me to make one.

I know, I just turned everything around at the last moment, but maybe I'm just writing the wrong story with the right character, instead of the other way around. I don't know. Haven't I always pulled it together before?

"And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast" 

I really don't know what's in store for me, and I don't know how my years are gonna go, but I really just want to stop finding new reasons to be upset. If I keep doing this, then I'll never be happy and never let myself succeed. 

I really am breathing, JoLynn. I promise that I am.  

If We Were A Movie

Nowadays, my friends poke fun at me when I'm being overly silly with my female friends, saying "You are definitely bisexual." When I was questioning and when I actually did come out, they were all indifferent, like "well we knew that already, we were just waiting for you to admit it." I don't understand how what took me years to figure out was just so obvious to most of my friends, but I am glad the transition has not been problematic.

Lately, I've been noticing that I'm getting a little too friendly with my female friends. I joke with them all the time, but I just go too far now and they get annoyed or uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I'm still new to this and am still sort of experimenting, but I have never been this open and crazy with any of my guys friends, not even the ones I had a crush on. Maybe it's because I've been feeling extra lonely, since most of my friends are getting into relationships or have new love interests. I'm almost thrilled at the idea that my chances at love are expanded now - it's given me a little hope, which I've desperately needed (I've been a little down in the dumps... as usual). I hadn't really had a strong attraction to any certain girl though...

Not until today anyway.

First of all, since I woke up this morning, the song "Kiss The Girl" from The Little Mermaid has been stuck in my head all day. I didn't know why - I hadn't listened to the song or anything remotely similar to that (the last song I listened to a rap song), but all day, my brain would hum a nice a capella version of the song in my voice (if my voice could handle singing more than one note). After school, at my Anime Club meeting, we had some new members, which is to be expected since it's still early in the school year. My friend Bria said that her friend wanted to know what "foofin-coffin" meant. *"Foofin-coffin" is a word that me, Bria, and Brandon came up with one day when trying to replace a curse word, but now we just use foofin-coffin in any context because it's funny to say* I told Bria to tell her what we always tell people what it meant - that it's when you "foof" in a coffin. It's still part of the joke, we don't expect people to keep following after that.

A few minutes later, I see this new girl and she is GORGEOUS. Like, she honestly had me stopping dead in my tracks. I was scared that I suddenly felt nervous. My plan was to go over to her, say hi, and introduce myself as the club's publicist, and the time seemed right because the other club board members were having a debate about something while trying to set up the projector to show the anime (japanese cartoons). So I finally got the confidence to talk to her. Here's how it went:

Me- Hi.
Her- Hi.
Me- What's your name?
Her- Lauren.
Me- I'm Jerica. I'm the club's publicist, and don't worry, I'm not as crazy as the other board members are.
Her- *laughs* Okay.
Me- What grade are you in?
Her- Junior.
Me- Oh, I haven't seen you before.
Her- I'm new [transfer student].
Me- Oh, okay. *I smile and turn to walk away*
Her- Wait!
Me- *turn around*
Her- What does foofin-coffin mean?
Me- *jaw drops to floor, face is burning. My thoughts: CRAP.*
      Uh... *my confidence is shot now* I-It's when you... foof... in a coffin.
Her- What's foofing?
Me- *Thoughts: DOUBLE CRAP - NO ONE EVER ASKS THAT.*
      Uh... I'll tell you when you're older. *small smile*
*She laughs and I flee in embarrassment, pretending to listen to this person talking to me*

OH. MY. GOD. I WANTED TO DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT. I can never use the word foofin-coffin again. I can't even think it without the whole scene replaying in my head. I have never felt that nervous or embarrassed in front of a guy before. But you want to know what really blew me away? All I wanted to do was hold hands with her. That's what my brain kept thinking, us holding hands. THIS CRUSH IS THE REAL DEAL. I have no idea how to handle this. God, she was so pretty - light skin, dark red hair, beautiful face, and since she came to Anime Club and she's friends with Bria, she must be weird like I am.

If I see her around school, or see her next week at Anime Club, I will flee and hide under a table.

Oh, Fate, how you taunt me.

Anti-social

I choose to be anti-social most of the time. I won't go out unless it is mandatory. I'll hang out with friends after school just so I won't have to drive myself insane by going home. But I really don't like going to meet up with people.

Last night, I had an emotional breakdown. My two best friends are slowly becoming romantically involved with other people, and even though I am extremely excited for them, it made me feel lonely. I started to reminisce about my past boyfriends and crushes and friends (reminiscing is so very depressing sometimes). One of my best friends ended up staying up all night with me so that I could tell him a little about my past relationships with friends - romantically and strictly friendly. It reminded me of the constant pattern I have with friends = they will always leave me either because I get too clingy or because someone better comes along. I'm not exaggerating - this pattern has followed me from 6th grade and it's not stopping anytime soon.

My friend tried to cheer me up, and no matter how much my brain wanted me to stay depressed, he did end up cheering me up by telling me that he and my other friend would never leave me and that they are nothing like my previous friends. The part that had me crying was this: "U and Rowan are the group of friends i've been waiting for for my entire life of school." I had to be happy at that. After we said 'I love you' or 'EEELUUU <3' because we're weird teenagers, he then proceeded to compare our friendship to Craigslist.

... Now I can't tell you HOW that comparison works, but hey, we all decided a long time ago that if one of us says something that makes absolutely NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, you just let them explain and pretend to agree with their odd babble. This happens a lot now though, so most of the time we just retort babble with babble. I would love for us to have our own talk show one day, but I have a feeling we'd be pulled off the air.

Anywhosits, EEELLUU, you crazy people. Thank you for being there for me.

So today, I am supposed to go to the movies with friends, and I keep trying to make up excuses in my head, but I really want to make myself go out with them because they are my friends. (not my best friends, but still). I just hate losing people as friends, so I tend to not get too close to them. If I get too close to them, then they either get bored or feel suffocated. Friendship is my oxygen - I cannot help it. I thrive on it, and if it weren't for my friends, past and present, I wouldn't be able to survive my family or school or even my own brain.

So I shall ignore the fact that it's an R-rated movie. I will ignore the fact that I have no State I.D. to prove my age. I will ignore the fact that I hate spending money and buying movie tickets will make me feel pain from my wallet.

I am going to hang out with my friends.

Athazagoraphobia - Fear of being forgotten or ignored

Debating whether I'm afraid of being forgotten and ignored for being myself, or tired of being the center of attention because I have to be everything that I'm not.
My friend says that we all feel like that at some point. I agree, I just wish it wasn't the same feeling everyday.

Isn't it a little odd that the thing that bugs you most about being depressed is the repetition of the problem? Of course we do what we can with what we've got, but it just turns into a routine because we never actually solve the problem.
In this case, the problem is this: do I choose to continue being the girl that is great at making friends but also good at scaring them away by being clingy and depressed, or do I choose to be whatever my loved ones want me to be so that they can stay in my life because I know I'll be even more sad and lost without them?

I think I've stuck with the latter for now. At least this way, my family doesn't kill each other, I get to keep all my friends, and I even have a boyfriend. Am I happy? I don't even think that's my goal anymore. I'm content and that is where I am meant to be.