I choose to be anti-social most of the time. I won't go out unless it is mandatory. I'll hang out with friends after school just so I won't have to drive myself insane by going home. But I really don't like going to meet up with people.
Last night, I had an emotional breakdown. My two best friends are slowly becoming romantically involved with other people, and even though I am extremely excited for them, it made me feel lonely. I started to reminisce about my past boyfriends and crushes and friends (reminiscing is so very depressing sometimes). One of my best friends ended up staying up all night with me so that I could tell him a little about my past relationships with friends - romantically and strictly friendly. It reminded me of the constant pattern I have with friends = they will always leave me either because I get too clingy or because someone better comes along. I'm not exaggerating - this pattern has followed me from 6th grade and it's not stopping anytime soon.
My friend tried to cheer me up, and no matter how much my brain wanted me to stay depressed, he did end up cheering me up by telling me that he and my other friend would never leave me and that they are nothing like my previous friends. The part that had me crying was this: "U and Rowan are the group of friends i've been waiting for for my entire life of school." I had to be happy at that. After we said 'I love you' or 'EEELUUU <3' because we're weird teenagers, he then proceeded to compare our friendship to Craigslist.
... Now I can't tell you HOW that comparison works, but hey, we all decided a long time ago that if one of us says something that makes absolutely NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, you just let them explain and pretend to agree with their odd babble. This happens a lot now though, so most of the time we just retort babble with babble. I would love for us to have our own talk show one day, but I have a feeling we'd be pulled off the air.
Anywhosits, EEELLUU, you crazy people. Thank you for being there for me.
So today, I am supposed to go to the movies with friends, and I keep trying to make up excuses in my head, but I really want to make myself go out with them because they are my friends. (not my best friends, but still). I just hate losing people as friends, so I tend to not get too close to them. If I get too close to them, then they either get bored or feel suffocated. Friendship is my oxygen - I cannot help it. I thrive on it, and if it weren't for my friends, past and present, I wouldn't be able to survive my family or school or even my own brain.
So I shall ignore the fact that it's an R-rated movie. I will ignore the fact that I have no State I.D. to prove my age. I will ignore the fact that I hate spending money and buying movie tickets will make me feel pain from my wallet.
I am going to hang out with my friends.
Showing posts with label boyfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boyfriend. Show all posts
Friday, August 26, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Rain
I don't think I'm asking for too much; all I want is a sweet kiss in the rain.
Lately I've been wondering if my criteria for happiness is too vague. For example, the only requirements I have for crushing on a guy is if they make me laugh and they have at least one interesting part of their appearance (hair, eyes, etc.). So far, that's gotten me two relationships with guys who aren't serious about anything and often leave me feeling worse when we end it then when I was without a guy at all, and multiple crushes that often lead to guys already taken or they just turn out to be assholes. I didn't think I was being picky, but all of these guys are really wrong for me in the most awkward ways, and some of them don't seem like they are even meant to be in a relationship yet. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but that's what I see.
I've given up on trying to be in a relationship - I'm too unstable for one right now. Yes, I finally called my boyfriend and we broke up, or at least I think we did. I told him why it wasn't working - and that we both knew from the beginning that relationships weren't my thing - and he just said okay, then proceeded to ask me about my day. He wasn't being nice or understanding or hiding his emotions. I know him. He was indifferent because he has no emotions. My last boyfriend had too many emotions, and multiple personalities. He's even admitted to this. Emotions aside, the guys I like are just weird. I thought weird was a good thing since I'm weird and my friends are weird, but maybe I need a normal guy to balance out my severely abnormal life.
I'm sure I'll be oblivious to this guy if he ever comes into my life, but if we share just one kiss in the rain, I'll know. Why? Because the rain is the most simple, beautiful, cleansing, healing, comforting, and destructive thing I can think of, and many of us take it for granted. True, sometimes the weather can be a bitch, but I'm talking about just a rain - gentle or pouring - that can give you a whole new outlook on life. Rain washes away the dark and the dingy so that you can see clearly afterward, and that realization usually leads up to a rainbow. I don't even need the rainbow, I just want the rain.
Lately I've been wondering if my criteria for happiness is too vague. For example, the only requirements I have for crushing on a guy is if they make me laugh and they have at least one interesting part of their appearance (hair, eyes, etc.). So far, that's gotten me two relationships with guys who aren't serious about anything and often leave me feeling worse when we end it then when I was without a guy at all, and multiple crushes that often lead to guys already taken or they just turn out to be assholes. I didn't think I was being picky, but all of these guys are really wrong for me in the most awkward ways, and some of them don't seem like they are even meant to be in a relationship yet. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but that's what I see.
I've given up on trying to be in a relationship - I'm too unstable for one right now. Yes, I finally called my boyfriend and we broke up, or at least I think we did. I told him why it wasn't working - and that we both knew from the beginning that relationships weren't my thing - and he just said okay, then proceeded to ask me about my day. He wasn't being nice or understanding or hiding his emotions. I know him. He was indifferent because he has no emotions. My last boyfriend had too many emotions, and multiple personalities. He's even admitted to this. Emotions aside, the guys I like are just weird. I thought weird was a good thing since I'm weird and my friends are weird, but maybe I need a normal guy to balance out my severely abnormal life.
I'm sure I'll be oblivious to this guy if he ever comes into my life, but if we share just one kiss in the rain, I'll know. Why? Because the rain is the most simple, beautiful, cleansing, healing, comforting, and destructive thing I can think of, and many of us take it for granted. True, sometimes the weather can be a bitch, but I'm talking about just a rain - gentle or pouring - that can give you a whole new outlook on life. Rain washes away the dark and the dingy so that you can see clearly afterward, and that realization usually leads up to a rainbow. I don't even need the rainbow, I just want the rain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)