"In the end, everyone becomes who they said they'd never be."

When you read this, you instantly think of the people in your life that you thought were your friends but then they turn on you, or you think of yourself when you've become the thing you once despised. You never read this quote in a positive light, but I want to change that.

Because when I read this, my first thought was that, no matter how many times I tell myself I'll never be good enough, I'll never be happy, I'll never succeed or do anything worth remembering, Fate will end up being the total opposite for me. I know that I thought I wasn't a good writer, but now I have lots of people who read and love my stories. I thought I wasn't good at graphic design, but it's gotten me a position as Club Publicist for my school's Anime Club and it's helped me with a job position. I said I was always going to be alone - no friends, no relationships, nothing - but I have tons of friends and I've had a few relationships. I also said I would never be happy. I'm working on that one right now - this has been the best summer of my life and I'm going to continue my good fortune through this school year.

So for everyone who thinks that they'll never be what they want to be, forget about becoming what you fear, but focus on becoming what you want. It will work out for you.

Filled with GLEE

Just had an amazing day with my best friends where we saw GLEE! THE MOVIE. It's like, every song just started a new fire in me, totally different from how I felt when watching the TV show. Every emotional song had me feeling the same emotions, every upbeat song had me wanting to dance in the aisles (and as much as I wanted to, my friends wouldn't let me. They didn't want to embarrass themselves, but we were already embarrassing ourselves - we were singing along and dancing in our seats and acting along with the song and grabbing at the sexiness of Glee actors in 3D). Seeing the movie reminded me of why I fell in love with Glee in the first place (besides the fact that they have awesome musical numbers and juicy drama and comedy) - Glee makes a home for every outcast in high school, even the ones you don't have at your school or didn't know existed.

Mostly everyone feels like an outcast in high school - it's like a rule that there must be outcasts. And of course, if you have been reading my other blog posts, you know how much I feel like an outcast. I don't have any specific category to fall under or one regular group of friends, I can go from having a good day to having a depressing day that makes me not want to go on, I have so many problems - some others also face and some that are pretty unique for me. When I watch shows like Glee and True Life, it reminds me that reality is really what you don't normally see. It let's me know that it's okay if my life or my problems aren't normal. For a while, a few years ago, I didn't really think I was depressed or that my problems were that bad because I always think that there are people worse off than I am and that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. But that didn't help me at all.

So now, with a new school year and a lot of new perspectives in mind, I'm hoping to make my senior year the most BAD-ASSICAL year of my high school life :D

P.D.A.

Despite this being the most social summer I've ever had, it's also the most lonely summer. How many couples exist downtown anyway?! They like, come downtown in all their sexiness just to hold hands with each other and make you emo. This is why people like me like to stay home all summer and make love to our computers.

 I never liked public displays of affection (P.D.A.) because I think it's gross and makes people sad. Sure, if it's like a photo that ends on the internet or something, then that's okay because then you have a choice of whether you want to see it or not. If it's a marriage proposal, well I honestly can't get upset about that - it's too adorable. But when you are kissing or holding hands all the time, it makes people sad. P.D.A. should only be acceptable in designated areas. When I am president, I will make sure of this.

Best Of You by Foo Fighters (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

 I know this isn't my writing, but this song says it all for me, and Boyce Avenue gives it the emotion I feel.


Best Of You by Foo Fighters (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist, or be abused?

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Or are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose

My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist, or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in, I refuse

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must confess

Is someone getting the best
The best, the best, the best of you?

Goddess

I wonder what it would be like to be a goddess.

I would be feared and respected.

Worshiped but hated.

I would be a mystery - fact or fiction? Do I exist? Where do I exist?

Would I have unlimited power, or would I just have one power, or would I just be a figure-head for my kind? Would I even have control over the power I could hold.

Would I be all-knowing, or just act like I know everything?

Would I be good or evil?

Would people even respect me? Would they imagine someone looking entirely different? Would I have to answer their prayers, and could I even do that?

Would I exist in my own mine, or just in theirs?

I'm not a religious person. I've endured many things in my life and seen things happen to other people that make me think if there is something that could help us, it must not want to help us. I don't want to worship a false being or a malevolent being. But I'm not going to say that a higher power doesn't exist, I just can't wrap my head around the idea of one existing. I respect your beliefs and opinions, they just aren't mine.

Is it blasphemous to want to be a goddess, or to disrespect whatever power exists if it does?

Lonely (And it's all my fault)

Trying not to have an emo blog update, but I feel more defective than usual.

Today, we had an art showcase for my summer program, and for once my mom didn't offer any criticism. Thumbs up right? Well, the whole day, I was obsessing over my friend who I recently realized that I liked. I can't even say that it's a huge crush or deep admiration, it's a regular crush that I always get that starts out like a huge burning fire then fizzles out when I realize there are actually few things that I know about and/or like about this person. I'm used to the crushing thing, but that's what made me sad. I thought that I was finally past the small crush faze where I like a person for a maximum three or four months before moving on, but here I am again. I've had two boyfriends, reaccessed my sexuality, openly flirted and conversed with new people, even gotten a guy's phone number, yet I'm back at square one.

I am extremely apathetic when it comes to relationships. I want to be in one but I can't put much effort into it. And when things start to go farther, I just shut down, becoming submissive and uncaring. I tell them I don't know what I want, and things immediately die out because of lack of communication.

Why can't I just fix myself so that I can be happy? I don't want to spend my life obsessing over my friends because they are the only people who listen to and put up with me, I don't want to lie to my family because I'm afraid of more criticism, and I don't want to keep torturing myself with self-criticism. I can't give up on trying to get with someone because that is one of few things I look forward to in my life that I can deal with right now. The only other thing is having friends, getting along with my family, and making a successful career - one is ever-changing, the next is impossible, and the last isn't gonna happen for at least 5 years.

Ugh... why? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't my brain just shut up?