Repeating Disaster (A song I wrote)

I turn my tears into stones so they can hurt you too.
Might not break your bones, but the message'll get through.
Take a good hard look at what we've become.
The monsters are coming out, so you better run.

No future's set in stone...
any place could be your home...
wish the past was unknown...
so we won't know -

we're repeating disaster...
we're repeating disaster...
we're repeating disaster (disaster)...
no, we're repeating disaster...

Harsh lines set into your face.
Tell the time that the pain took place.
Hide all you want but you can't disguise your eyes... they're like an inkwell brimming over...
the story's told every night you sleep.
The poor souls just sit and weep and you... well you're a human too.

No future's set in stone...
any place could be your home...
wish the past was unknown...
so we won't know -

we're repeating disaster....
we're repeating disaster...
we're repeating disaster (disaster)...
oh no, we're repeating disaster...

Reappearing shadows with crooked aims,
haunting legends with peculiar names,
childhood memories based on broken games,
these same faces oh these same faces.
Invisible supporters hidden in the frames,
hateful people with ridiculous claims -
oh the damage they cause isn't it a shame,
these same faces, these dear old faces!

we're repeating disaster....
we're repeating disaster...
we're repeating disaster...
oh we're repeating repeating yes!
we're repeating disaster!
we're repeating disaster!
we should've run faster...
nooo, why are we repeating disaster..."

Me, That's All I'll Ever Be

I've just come to the realization that I might have been bisexual a lot longer than I thought. See, I was just reminiscing about all the best friends I've had over the years, a majority of them being females. I believe a lot of my best friends stopped being my friends because they thought I was clingy and too unstable for them, as two of my friends have actually said to my face.

I know I've fallen for my best guy friend before, and one of my best guy friends fell for me, but the more I think about it, I really was only into them because I grew so dependent on them as friends that my feelings became warped. When I stopped being friends with them, I saw nothing that attracted me to them any more than I was attracted to my other friends, like how they made me laugh. Making me laugh is just about my only requirement for liking someone, which is bad because lots of people can make me laugh, but not everyone is nice or compatible.

But anyway, with my female friends, they were usually the only friend I had at the time, so yes, I could see how I came off as clingy. But in some instances, I wasn't very close to my friends, like Paisley and my cousin - we weren't that close and honestly had little in common with each other. I believe they were my best friends because I had no other friends - no offense to them, but that's how it happened, so when we stopped talking to each other, it was just a clean break. However with my friends like Joelle and Kimberly, I loved being friends with them. I loved hanging out with them, meeting the other friends they had, going places with them, and talking about unimportant things. When I was friends with them, we were inseparable - it was always Joelle and Jerica or me and Kimberly - so breaking apart now still hurts. It's like being in a relationship with someone that you are so in love with, but then they want to break up, and you feel like you've been hit with a train because you never saw it coming. Being drowned in your own feelings means you can't see how everyone else is feeling, and often I've been like that. Joelle and Kimberly and Henri wanted nothing more to do with me because I was clingy or immature - their words, not mine.

I never thought I had any romantic feelings for my female friends of course, because I never even imagined being so close to a female friend, let alone being in a relationship with one. I knew I didn't get along with most girls because I'm so different for some reason. Not exactly a tomboy, but something of that nature. However, I had a need to be with my friend, talking to them and hanging out with them. If I was unsure about something, they were the ones I turned to to make sure it was okay. I checked with them first to make sure that liking a certain guy or a certain thing was okay. I let them control me, and I was perfectly happy with that. As unstable as I am now, I know that I've relied on the structure that female friends gave me. It was a relationship with no love, but much admiration. It was somewhat unhealthy, and the dynamic of them wearing the pants was obvious. I think it adds to why I am so compliant in my relationships - why I never speak up when something is wrong, because seriously, with every person I've ever been close to, my personal opinion had little value and was often ignored.

I try not to say that I resent anyone that's come into my life, but I still can't think of Joelle or Henri or Kimberly (and her boyfriend) or Paisley without a scowl forming on my face and some choice words coming to mind. It isn't enough to unfriend them and remove everything reminiscent of them from my life - they are still there in my memories, and the way things ended really bothers me.

Jerica: Hey, Briana, can you ask Joelle if we're still friends.
Briana: She says you guys are still friends, but not as much as you were.

Henri: You're too clingy.

Kimberly: (summarizing) You're immature.

Josh (Kim's boyfriend): It's either her, or me.

So yeah, maybe I've been bisexual for a long time now, or maybe I'm an extremely confusing pansexual, or maybe I'm just me.

Yep, that's all I'll ever be, anyway.

Goddess

I wonder what it would be like to be a goddess.

I would be feared and respected.

Worshiped but hated.

I would be a mystery - fact or fiction? Do I exist? Where do I exist?

Would I have unlimited power, or would I just have one power, or would I just be a figure-head for my kind? Would I even have control over the power I could hold.

Would I be all-knowing, or just act like I know everything?

Would I be good or evil?

Would people even respect me? Would they imagine someone looking entirely different? Would I have to answer their prayers, and could I even do that?

Would I exist in my own mine, or just in theirs?

I'm not a religious person. I've endured many things in my life and seen things happen to other people that make me think if there is something that could help us, it must not want to help us. I don't want to worship a false being or a malevolent being. But I'm not going to say that a higher power doesn't exist, I just can't wrap my head around the idea of one existing. I respect your beliefs and opinions, they just aren't mine.

Is it blasphemous to want to be a goddess, or to disrespect whatever power exists if it does?

If A Tree Falls In The Forest...

I knew I wouldn't be able to stay happy for too long. Me being happy is like a crime apparently.

I was helping my sister move today, and it was me, her, her fiance, his sister, and our uncle. My uncle, much like the rest of my family, is: stubborn, egotistical, ignorant, bossy, a know-it-all, and overall annoying. He was trying to butt his opinion into my sister's original plan, and my sister was like "it's late, we're tired, and we've already started on this plan. there's no point in changing it now." But he kept arguing with her. My sister has very little patience and my uncle was pushing her. At first, I expected it to just end with an awkward silence after somebody yelled or backed off, but no - my uncle had to ask what my opinion was.

He basically asked me to choose sides.

Would you ever want to choose sides in your family? Your stubborn, dysfunctional, breaking-at-the-seams family?

I didn't think so.

I wanted to stay out of it, but I'm never granted that wish. Even when family problems don't involve me directly, there is always last minute pressure put onto me, and I can't handle it.

I tried staying quiet, but he kept asking me my opinion, and I tried telling him that I don't have one, that I don't know who's right or wrong, and that this always happens - my family ends up arguing and I get dragged into it and I can't do anything... this is where my voice cracked and my sister knew I was upset and about to cry. My uncle didn't get the memo and kept bugging me, and then my sister snapped, screamed, threw a tantrum, and stormed off from the car. I'm used to her storming off like that, but that was the first time I showed that I wasn't as strong as I portrayed to my family.

And later, my uncle kept bringing it up. I told myself "if he says one more thing, I'm going to tell him to shut up. And I'm not kidding, I will actually tell them what is on my mind for once." Of course, Fate is a bitch though, and the next thing he said was not related to the previous argument, so it's like "well it doesn't make sense to tell him to shut up now." So I didn't say anything. However, later he asked me if I was still mad, and I gave him the silent treatment.

He finally listened to me. Tonight was the first time I stood up for myself against my family - I showed them how I felt, and then I showed them I was angry.

Silence speaks louder than words.

Later my sister apologized, but I don't know what she was apologizing for: the fact that I got upset, the fact that she stormed off yet again, the fact that my uncle kept bothering me or that I got dragged into the argument. It didn't matter. I know my family is dysfunctional, and there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I came into a delicate family tree, and over time the tree just started to wither and break and rot. I can't do anything but lop off my limb before it gets diseased like the rest.

I remember the day where my sister first stormed off after arguing with my mother. She came back once my mom went upstairs, grabbed her things, and told me "Stay in school. Get good grades, get into college, and then you can leave here. That's the only way - just leave." That's what she did - she's always distancing herself from us, so I'm not very close to her, but I can't argue with her here. I can't stop this tree from falling - I'm only one person. I have to plant myself somewhere else out of harm's way so I can keep growing.