Finally Breathing

I'm scared I'm using my sexuality as an escape from my problems. Of course I have to explain this. You see, lately, I haven't been able to get the "molestation" issue out of my head. I haven't forgiven Andre or even acknowledged his presence, but the idea that I just sat there and let myself feel so uncomfortable and taken advantage of has bothered me so much, and as Fate likes to do, I am still reminded of it at the most random of times. Now it feels like whenever I feel lonely or depressed, it pops back into my head, encircling me. I don't know why. And it's bothered me even more because now I feel absolutely uncomfortable when guys touch me. Considering I was already awkward and uncomfortable with guys acknowledging my existence before, this is really annoying me. I'm feeling paranoid almost. 

It's not like I expect to have better luck with females than I have with guys. I honestly haven't had very bad luck with guys - I've had two boyfriends. But I never voiced my opinions. I let them walk all over me and gave them what they wanted - to an extent. I haven't given myself up for them, but I've given them my heart and my soul time and time again, and they didn't respect it. No one saw it as a bad relationship though. Not them, not me, not my friends - even though they voice their dislike of one of my boyfriends, it didn't really have to do with me. I just feel like I expect to end up in a relationship with a girl and it will fill in the missing pieces I've needed in romance, like a first date, or real nonsexual bonding. But I don't want to feel like my bad luck with one gender means I should try out the other one, like picking the runner-up or initiating plan B.

It's amazing - most people have to deal with so much drama because of their sexuality, but for me, my sexuality is barely an issue for me. It's everything else that is driving me insane.

Sometimes, I read stories about people who were touched inappropriately by family or something, and luckily that hasn't happened in my family, but I feel like something just hasn't happened correctly. I don't know anything about my dad, and sometimes I wonder if I would rather have a horrible father in my life then no father at all. I hate feeling empty or incomplete - I hate it more than anything. I always feel faulty, like I was given pieces of scrap metal and rejected parts to piece my life together and expected to come up with a masterpiece.

I don't want to be in a relationship really, even though I've been saying I've wanted to for years now. A relationship is the last thing an unstable person like me needs right now. But seeing everyone else happy... I mean half the people I know are getting into relationships all of the sudden, so I can't help but feel a little lonely. I no longer feel stressed by my life, but now I've fallen back into my apathetic state, which I haven't visited since ninth grade. I'm worried I've crashed and burned and will end up back where I started. I haven't done most of my schoolwork, haven't worked on college apps, just barely finish my work assignments on time. JoLynn keeps telling me to take deep breaths to relax, but I'm afraid I took one breath too many and exhausted every bit of caring that was left in me.

When I was in 8th grade, my English teacher called me "apathetic". After looking up what it meant, I decided to prove her wrong. I started writing a book about myself, titled Apathetic Girl. I lost what I had written in 9th grade and didn't revisit the novel idea because, I was still apathetic. But when I think about it, my response to her was the opposite of apathetic. I was determined to prove her wrong, and let everyone know why I had given up on trying or caring. I still do that now, but... I don't know. 

I keep telling myself I'm not running away, and that running away never solves your problems, but all I want to do is get into college and move away and have "the relationship I deserve when I get into college" that my friends assure me I will have. But that's not going to solve anything. I don't know if it will make things worse, but it won't make them much better. 

Have you ever... felt like you actually did belong in the place that you were? I know everyone feels like they don't belong, but maybe I do belong here, and I'm not meant to escape because my problems will follow me. Maybe I do belong here, wallowing in the muck while I dream distant dreams. Lets face it - I'm no Cinderella. I'm not a princess waiting to be rescued, no matter how many times I fantasize that I'm in a Disney movie. There was never a bisexual princess who demonized everyone around her because she hated her own life, and there was no princess who didn't dream big, and there was never a princess who had human friends and siblings related by blood and an immense feeling of imperfecktion.

But... maybe that's because... Disney is waiting for me to make one.

I know, I just turned everything around at the last moment, but maybe I'm just writing the wrong story with the right character, instead of the other way around. I don't know. Haven't I always pulled it together before?

"And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast" 

I really don't know what's in store for me, and I don't know how my years are gonna go, but I really just want to stop finding new reasons to be upset. If I keep doing this, then I'll never be happy and never let myself succeed. 

I really am breathing, JoLynn. I promise that I am.