Men Don't Lead Women Out of Closets

This is something that just spouted out of my mouth in a conversation about relationships, and I realize how true (and hilarious) this really is.

I must be the strangest bisexual female out there, because while I am interested in females, I am terrified of actually getting to know them romantically or... physically. And between high school drama and the media telling me men are cheating scum who make it so you can never love again but you still want to try because you have some innate desire to continue our dysfunctional species, I'm not so thrilled about trying to find a guy either. So, what exactly am I looking for?

I haven't figured that out yet, but then again, I'm only 17. This could be a phase for all I know. But, if I do stick with the way my sexuality is heading, I'll be leaning towards girls for a while.

But back to my statement: "Men don't lead women out of closets." It just doesn't happen. See, if you are a straight female, or any female really, the chances of a man getting you to leave your heavenly closet is about as easy as wrestling chocolate from our mouths. I wouldn't depart from my clothes unless a guy held a spanking new credit card in his hands for me to use to my heart's content. I'm not a gold digger, I just appreciate a good pair of shoes... and multiple pairs of jeans... and perhaps another sweater...

Now, if you are a lesbian or bisexual female, you're going to have some ignorant men telling you that you just need the right guy to set you straight. That is more insulting than someone calling me a faggot right to my face. Because not only does that statement tell me that I'm wrong in loving a woman, but it also makes me feel like a man is belittling me, and as history proves, women don't like it when a man tries to "put them in their place." It wasn't my decision to have these feelings, but it was my decision to accept them and pursue them, and I will not be insulted or ashamed of doing what I want to do to make myself happy. If I let that happen, then I'd have another thing to add to my depression, and pardon my French, but FUCK THAT.

If I want to sit in my closet surrounded by beautiful clothes while I kiss my girlfriend under a rack of shirts, then I will. And I will not let a man try to pull me away from that paradise.

Me, That's All I'll Ever Be

I've just come to the realization that I might have been bisexual a lot longer than I thought. See, I was just reminiscing about all the best friends I've had over the years, a majority of them being females. I believe a lot of my best friends stopped being my friends because they thought I was clingy and too unstable for them, as two of my friends have actually said to my face.

I know I've fallen for my best guy friend before, and one of my best guy friends fell for me, but the more I think about it, I really was only into them because I grew so dependent on them as friends that my feelings became warped. When I stopped being friends with them, I saw nothing that attracted me to them any more than I was attracted to my other friends, like how they made me laugh. Making me laugh is just about my only requirement for liking someone, which is bad because lots of people can make me laugh, but not everyone is nice or compatible.

But anyway, with my female friends, they were usually the only friend I had at the time, so yes, I could see how I came off as clingy. But in some instances, I wasn't very close to my friends, like Paisley and my cousin - we weren't that close and honestly had little in common with each other. I believe they were my best friends because I had no other friends - no offense to them, but that's how it happened, so when we stopped talking to each other, it was just a clean break. However with my friends like Joelle and Kimberly, I loved being friends with them. I loved hanging out with them, meeting the other friends they had, going places with them, and talking about unimportant things. When I was friends with them, we were inseparable - it was always Joelle and Jerica or me and Kimberly - so breaking apart now still hurts. It's like being in a relationship with someone that you are so in love with, but then they want to break up, and you feel like you've been hit with a train because you never saw it coming. Being drowned in your own feelings means you can't see how everyone else is feeling, and often I've been like that. Joelle and Kimberly and Henri wanted nothing more to do with me because I was clingy or immature - their words, not mine.

I never thought I had any romantic feelings for my female friends of course, because I never even imagined being so close to a female friend, let alone being in a relationship with one. I knew I didn't get along with most girls because I'm so different for some reason. Not exactly a tomboy, but something of that nature. However, I had a need to be with my friend, talking to them and hanging out with them. If I was unsure about something, they were the ones I turned to to make sure it was okay. I checked with them first to make sure that liking a certain guy or a certain thing was okay. I let them control me, and I was perfectly happy with that. As unstable as I am now, I know that I've relied on the structure that female friends gave me. It was a relationship with no love, but much admiration. It was somewhat unhealthy, and the dynamic of them wearing the pants was obvious. I think it adds to why I am so compliant in my relationships - why I never speak up when something is wrong, because seriously, with every person I've ever been close to, my personal opinion had little value and was often ignored.

I try not to say that I resent anyone that's come into my life, but I still can't think of Joelle or Henri or Kimberly (and her boyfriend) or Paisley without a scowl forming on my face and some choice words coming to mind. It isn't enough to unfriend them and remove everything reminiscent of them from my life - they are still there in my memories, and the way things ended really bothers me.

Jerica: Hey, Briana, can you ask Joelle if we're still friends.
Briana: She says you guys are still friends, but not as much as you were.

Henri: You're too clingy.

Kimberly: (summarizing) You're immature.

Josh (Kim's boyfriend): It's either her, or me.

So yeah, maybe I've been bisexual for a long time now, or maybe I'm an extremely confusing pansexual, or maybe I'm just me.

Yep, that's all I'll ever be, anyway.

Finally Breathing

I'm scared I'm using my sexuality as an escape from my problems. Of course I have to explain this. You see, lately, I haven't been able to get the "molestation" issue out of my head. I haven't forgiven Andre or even acknowledged his presence, but the idea that I just sat there and let myself feel so uncomfortable and taken advantage of has bothered me so much, and as Fate likes to do, I am still reminded of it at the most random of times. Now it feels like whenever I feel lonely or depressed, it pops back into my head, encircling me. I don't know why. And it's bothered me even more because now I feel absolutely uncomfortable when guys touch me. Considering I was already awkward and uncomfortable with guys acknowledging my existence before, this is really annoying me. I'm feeling paranoid almost. 

It's not like I expect to have better luck with females than I have with guys. I honestly haven't had very bad luck with guys - I've had two boyfriends. But I never voiced my opinions. I let them walk all over me and gave them what they wanted - to an extent. I haven't given myself up for them, but I've given them my heart and my soul time and time again, and they didn't respect it. No one saw it as a bad relationship though. Not them, not me, not my friends - even though they voice their dislike of one of my boyfriends, it didn't really have to do with me. I just feel like I expect to end up in a relationship with a girl and it will fill in the missing pieces I've needed in romance, like a first date, or real nonsexual bonding. But I don't want to feel like my bad luck with one gender means I should try out the other one, like picking the runner-up or initiating plan B.

It's amazing - most people have to deal with so much drama because of their sexuality, but for me, my sexuality is barely an issue for me. It's everything else that is driving me insane.

Sometimes, I read stories about people who were touched inappropriately by family or something, and luckily that hasn't happened in my family, but I feel like something just hasn't happened correctly. I don't know anything about my dad, and sometimes I wonder if I would rather have a horrible father in my life then no father at all. I hate feeling empty or incomplete - I hate it more than anything. I always feel faulty, like I was given pieces of scrap metal and rejected parts to piece my life together and expected to come up with a masterpiece.

I don't want to be in a relationship really, even though I've been saying I've wanted to for years now. A relationship is the last thing an unstable person like me needs right now. But seeing everyone else happy... I mean half the people I know are getting into relationships all of the sudden, so I can't help but feel a little lonely. I no longer feel stressed by my life, but now I've fallen back into my apathetic state, which I haven't visited since ninth grade. I'm worried I've crashed and burned and will end up back where I started. I haven't done most of my schoolwork, haven't worked on college apps, just barely finish my work assignments on time. JoLynn keeps telling me to take deep breaths to relax, but I'm afraid I took one breath too many and exhausted every bit of caring that was left in me.

When I was in 8th grade, my English teacher called me "apathetic". After looking up what it meant, I decided to prove her wrong. I started writing a book about myself, titled Apathetic Girl. I lost what I had written in 9th grade and didn't revisit the novel idea because, I was still apathetic. But when I think about it, my response to her was the opposite of apathetic. I was determined to prove her wrong, and let everyone know why I had given up on trying or caring. I still do that now, but... I don't know. 

I keep telling myself I'm not running away, and that running away never solves your problems, but all I want to do is get into college and move away and have "the relationship I deserve when I get into college" that my friends assure me I will have. But that's not going to solve anything. I don't know if it will make things worse, but it won't make them much better. 

Have you ever... felt like you actually did belong in the place that you were? I know everyone feels like they don't belong, but maybe I do belong here, and I'm not meant to escape because my problems will follow me. Maybe I do belong here, wallowing in the muck while I dream distant dreams. Lets face it - I'm no Cinderella. I'm not a princess waiting to be rescued, no matter how many times I fantasize that I'm in a Disney movie. There was never a bisexual princess who demonized everyone around her because she hated her own life, and there was no princess who didn't dream big, and there was never a princess who had human friends and siblings related by blood and an immense feeling of imperfecktion.

But... maybe that's because... Disney is waiting for me to make one.

I know, I just turned everything around at the last moment, but maybe I'm just writing the wrong story with the right character, instead of the other way around. I don't know. Haven't I always pulled it together before?

"And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast" 

I really don't know what's in store for me, and I don't know how my years are gonna go, but I really just want to stop finding new reasons to be upset. If I keep doing this, then I'll never be happy and never let myself succeed. 

I really am breathing, JoLynn. I promise that I am.