I've just come to the realization that I might have been bisexual a lot longer than I thought. See, I was just reminiscing about all the best friends I've had over the years, a majority of them being females. I believe a lot of my best friends stopped being my friends because they thought I was clingy and too unstable for them, as two of my friends have actually said to my face.
I know I've fallen for my best guy friend before, and one of my best guy friends fell for me, but the more I think about it, I really was only into them because I grew so dependent on them as friends that my feelings became warped. When I stopped being friends with them, I saw nothing that attracted me to them any more than I was attracted to my other friends, like how they made me laugh. Making me laugh is just about my only requirement for liking someone, which is bad because lots of people can make me laugh, but not everyone is nice or compatible.
But anyway, with my female friends, they were usually the only friend I had at the time, so yes, I could see how I came off as clingy. But in some instances, I wasn't very close to my friends, like Paisley and my cousin - we weren't that close and honestly had little in common with each other. I believe they were my best friends because I had no other friends - no offense to them, but that's how it happened, so when we stopped talking to each other, it was just a clean break. However with my friends like Joelle and Kimberly, I loved being friends with them. I loved hanging out with them, meeting the other friends they had, going places with them, and talking about unimportant things. When I was friends with them, we were inseparable - it was always Joelle and Jerica or me and Kimberly - so breaking apart now still hurts. It's like being in a relationship with someone that you are so in love with, but then they want to break up, and you feel like you've been hit with a train because you never saw it coming. Being drowned in your own feelings means you can't see how everyone else is feeling, and often I've been like that. Joelle and Kimberly and Henri wanted nothing more to do with me because I was clingy or immature - their words, not mine.
I never thought I had any romantic feelings for my female friends of course, because I never even imagined being so close to a female friend, let alone being in a relationship with one. I knew I didn't get along with most girls because I'm so different for some reason. Not exactly a tomboy, but something of that nature. However, I had a need to be with my friend, talking to them and hanging out with them. If I was unsure about something, they were the ones I turned to to make sure it was okay. I checked with them first to make sure that liking a certain guy or a certain thing was okay. I let them control me, and I was perfectly happy with that. As unstable as I am now, I know that I've relied on the structure that female friends gave me. It was a relationship with no love, but much admiration. It was somewhat unhealthy, and the dynamic of them wearing the pants was obvious. I think it adds to why I am so compliant in my relationships - why I never speak up when something is wrong, because seriously, with every person I've ever been close to, my personal opinion had little value and was often ignored.
I try not to say that I resent anyone that's come into my life, but I still can't think of Joelle or Henri or Kimberly (and her boyfriend) or Paisley without a scowl forming on my face and some choice words coming to mind. It isn't enough to unfriend them and remove everything reminiscent of them from my life - they are still there in my memories, and the way things ended really bothers me.
Jerica: Hey, Briana, can you ask Joelle if we're still friends.
Briana: She says you guys are still friends, but not as much as you were.
Henri: You're too clingy.
Kimberly: (summarizing) You're immature.
Josh (Kim's boyfriend): It's either her, or me.
So yeah, maybe I've been bisexual for a long time now, or maybe I'm an extremely confusing pansexual, or maybe I'm just me.
Yep, that's all I'll ever be, anyway.
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