Busy Bisexual

So, I told my straight female crush that I liked her and got rejected by her, and later on in that day my other female friend told me she's been in love with me for like three years but I only like her as a friend. And when I tell her that, she still asks me out on a date and to prom - I don't want to reject three times! It was like she was trying to force me into a relationship through guilt. (She is a forceful person anyway). And now I'm waiting like a puppy dog to hear back from this girl I've been messaging online because she knows about my depression and even shared with me her mental problems and I really like talking to her, and she lives in my city of all places.

It's a busy week to be bisexual. Maybe I should focus on my celebrity guy crushes again - less hassle since I don't have to actually talk to them.

Men Don't Lead Women Out of Closets

This is something that just spouted out of my mouth in a conversation about relationships, and I realize how true (and hilarious) this really is.

I must be the strangest bisexual female out there, because while I am interested in females, I am terrified of actually getting to know them romantically or... physically. And between high school drama and the media telling me men are cheating scum who make it so you can never love again but you still want to try because you have some innate desire to continue our dysfunctional species, I'm not so thrilled about trying to find a guy either. So, what exactly am I looking for?

I haven't figured that out yet, but then again, I'm only 17. This could be a phase for all I know. But, if I do stick with the way my sexuality is heading, I'll be leaning towards girls for a while.

But back to my statement: "Men don't lead women out of closets." It just doesn't happen. See, if you are a straight female, or any female really, the chances of a man getting you to leave your heavenly closet is about as easy as wrestling chocolate from our mouths. I wouldn't depart from my clothes unless a guy held a spanking new credit card in his hands for me to use to my heart's content. I'm not a gold digger, I just appreciate a good pair of shoes... and multiple pairs of jeans... and perhaps another sweater...

Now, if you are a lesbian or bisexual female, you're going to have some ignorant men telling you that you just need the right guy to set you straight. That is more insulting than someone calling me a faggot right to my face. Because not only does that statement tell me that I'm wrong in loving a woman, but it also makes me feel like a man is belittling me, and as history proves, women don't like it when a man tries to "put them in their place." It wasn't my decision to have these feelings, but it was my decision to accept them and pursue them, and I will not be insulted or ashamed of doing what I want to do to make myself happy. If I let that happen, then I'd have another thing to add to my depression, and pardon my French, but FUCK THAT.

If I want to sit in my closet surrounded by beautiful clothes while I kiss my girlfriend under a rack of shirts, then I will. And I will not let a man try to pull me away from that paradise.

Proud To Be Out

I will not hide fancy in the fairer sex,
Nor place my feet upon these poor downtrodden necks.
I will not mumble profane words when I can shout displeasure,
Nor dance around my true feelings by talking 'bout the weather,
For if her beauty embraces my cold set eyes,
And her intellect easily rivals mine,
And her imagination inspires my soul,
Then shouldn't my love for her be what I show?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Weirdest revelation of my life. Now, I'm not sure, and since I'm always indecisive and confused, I won't make this official, but I might be bi-curious, or at least, questioning.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, liked my appearance (a rare thing), and for some reason, the thought that came to my head was, I wonder if I could ever be with a woman.

Now, my friends had been suggesting and joking about this for awhile now that I could be bisexual. I never took it seriously because well my friends are never serious about this stuff. But I have noticed something during the last school year: I would openly flirt with my close female friends and apparently they weren't sure if I was joking or not. I just figured that since I hung out with extremely perverted guy friends, I just picked up their habits. My brain is very open to suggestion like that. But sometimes I would notice that it was easier for me to say that a female was attractive then to find a male that was attractive. I never could find myself attractive to male muscles or anything like that, and I have a weird appreciation for the female torso.

I'm not self-diagnosing again, that was a possibility I considered. I'm just open to trying new things.

I've had terrible luck with relationships, and guys always ruin my self-esteem. I've always grown closest to my female friends in my depressive moods, and I love how nurturing and accepting they can be, I love how I never feel pressured or awkward around them, and I easily point out their best physical features.

I guess I'm just trying to explain my reasoning, but I don't think it's that simple. My brain is too confusing.

All I know is that I told myself I would be open to change this school year, and so far my wardrobe had been the only thing to change. I'm not scared of this possibility at all. Just a little unsure of how this will work out.

And as an added bonus, I found the perfect theme song for this new change and the things yet to come for my senior year. It's not just the title, or the fact that David Bowie is a GLBTQ advocate, but the lyrics really fit my new perspective.

I know some of my friends will take this as a joke - a lot of people are becoming bisexual nowadays, and two of my friends keep saying they are just waiting for me to come out of the closet, but I'm not even going to tell them about this, because I am that serious.

I don't know if I'll have better luck with females than I do with males, but it's not about finding a partner because one of my other changes for this year was that I will not worry about dating. If I can just be happy this year, then I'll know that I'm doing something right. Like I say, it's better to push your misfortune aside so you can continue living your life. I'm not sure if this is the right path for me, but at least I know I can change directions or just stop to smell the roses this way. I don't feel trapped or sad now, and that's good enough for me.