Fireworks and Confidence

 

Maybe it's the fact that July 4th was recent, or just the fact that this was on my playlist, but this song has been in my head for a few days. When it first came out, I just liked it cause it was fun and catchy. Now that I listen to it, if you take away the poppy-tune surrounding it, I can hear the lyrics. 

I want to show the world that I am worth something, even if I have to prove it to myself first. 

I've been doing things I never thought I could do. I have a summer job and a job for the school year too, and I doubted I would get either one. I'm actually starting to get more comfortable with my body, even if it's not the desired appearance I want. (I still can't ever wear skinny jeans). And I've had the most active social life I've ever had this summer. If you combined all the times I've ever gone out with my friends in my life, it would not be the same amount of times that I've hung out with people junior year or this summer. I've come a long way and I'm proud of it.

Am I still depressed? Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. All your problems don't leave just because you find a few solutions. But still, I'm feeling better. Sure, my family and my self-esteem and all my other problems are still there but maybe I should just take one step at a time. 

I've also realized that sometimes problems do have to get worse before they get better. For example, a lot of organizations don't start or really get supported until a tragic event occurs related to that organization, and nobody calls the plumber until you've already tried to fix the small leak by yourself and accidentally flooded the whole kitchen. :)

My spastic friends found out about the blog, and after much pestering, I gave them the link so they could read it. I think we have this understanding where we can all complain about our problems and offer silly solutions just to cheer each other up, but in reality we don't know how to help each other. Nobody knows how to fix life's problems. Life is just too fucked up for that. We just gotta shove the broken pieces out of the way so we can continue on the path. You still might get hurt but it's a lot less painful to try moving on then to stay stuck in that same torture forever.

Which is why I need to hurry up and get to college! On the one side, I'd be free of my family, but might still have school issues and still have the self esteem issues. On the other side, if I go to school out of state, I'd be away from a lot of my friends who for some reason stay in the city even though they don't care for it that much. I know I don't have to cling to my friends, but if you still haven't realized, I cling to my friends a lot. I'd be a lonely hermit without them. Maybe I can just pack a few of them in my suitcase...

Anyway, since this is a much more happy blog post in comparison to the others, I'm gonna end this with something I rarely use, and recently my friends have discovered as well:

*CONFIDENCE*

Support

So, I know it's been like thirty seconds since my last post, but I just have to add that there are people who do see past my awkward loneliness. I have spastic friends who embarrass themselves more than I embarrass them, and almost every day we talk or hang out and I feel like we only click because we're funny and sometimes creepy and try to fix each others problems with (some) seriousness (but mostly joking suggestions). But one of my friends who I was never close to and who I rarely talk to except for the occasional Facebook comments and debates that occur only because of a mutual friend, tells me:

" I know we don't know each other that well and all, but for what it's worth, what I notice about you are your wit, your wisdom, and your strength. I know you have a lot to deal with, and you're very brave. If I saw all that when we barely even see each other, I'm sure I'm not the only one. You're a first-rate human being, and believe me, it shows."

- I actually cried, it made me that happy. And then of course one of my spastic friends had to comment about how "she just stole the spotlight. *ghetto moment*". So, maybe my spastic friends are little bit harder to read, but they do care about me in their unorthodox ways, and my less close friends see stuff in me that I didn't even notice. I'm still a depressive person, but now I remember why I put up with everything.

Approval

Feeling utterly emo right now. Sometimes I feel like my boobs and my eyes and my sense of humour are my best assets, but when people only notice the weird things you say and the reserved way you act around them and the crazy way you act around your friends, it's a little hard to feel like the few people who do look at you are even looking at you for the right reasons.

My mom has been gone for a while now. That's normal when she goes to the store. I can't remember which store but she most likely went to another one by now, and there will be plenty of groceries, and I will complain about having to go downstairs to help her carry them up, and she'll be annoyed and say that some of this food will be eaten by me so I shouldn't complain, and I'll huff and say nothing. Then we'll argue about something else later.

She made me feel really stupid today. Every time she asked me to do something or asked for something, I never knew exactly what she wanted, and she scolded me for that. Am I supposed to be psychic?

She usually makes me feel slow. She even called me stupid once, and I know it shouldn't be such a big deal because parents get mad and say things and tease their kids all the time, but at that time, I felt like she really meant it. Everything she says cuts deeper than if anyone else said it. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to some people. I had this friend who was the type of person to voice his disapproval no matter what it was. He made you feel so clueless and inferior, and he didn't even mean to do it. He was smart and was in on all the inside jokes and knew about more stuff like movies and games and anime that I didn't know about because I just wasn't in-the-know. I guess it was because I didn't spend much time watching the hit shows as a kid, or making many friends, or playing the cooler video games. I was odd - I still am. But anyway, he could just make you feel so defective. What made it worse was that I fell in love with him, and when you have low self-esteem like I do, you are willing to sacrifice things to get what you think will make you happy. I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I did give up my self-respect, and let him make it an "open relationship" so he could ask out other girls yet still be with me. I didn't care if I had to share him - I had him, even a little bit. I didn't even realize how much it was killing me when he told me about the list of girls he wanted to ask out.

Well, long story short, I craved more attention so I talked to more guys, he got mad, and we got in a fight and broke up. It's a lot more convaluted then I am making it, but I've got to shorten this somehow.

Since then, I have realized he's an asshole. But I'm a forgiving person (somewhat) so I still call him my friend, I just am not nearly as close to him as I was before.

I get clingy to people who show me attention and affection. I apparently "smother them" and chase them away. He's called me clingy, I've had many other friends disappear because I was too childish and needy. But the thing is, I don't realize I want the attention sometimes.

I hate the attention I get sometimes because it's so negative, for example, my mother's naturally critical ways and my friend's arrogant nature. I always start off as a quiet person when introduced to groups of new people and I don't really open up until I make one friend. I started a summer program with nobody in my group and I kept quiet, but then I made a friend, and already I can see how clingy I'm being towards them. When my other friends showed up who are in the same program bu tin a different group, I cling to them as well and I think I make my new friend feel left out. I've even tried to not get too close to some of my friends out of fear that they'll leave too.

More than anything, I crave approval. Someone please tell me that I am not defective, I am not worthless, and I am not unnecessary. I don't want to be like an appendix or whatever that you just get removed when it starts bothering you and you don't need it anymore.

Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

Well, this quote usually pisses me off. It still kinda does. I mean, if you can't do it, you wonder how you can teach someone else to do it. But now I guess I know what it's saying: if you are good at something, you want to go out and do it - make a living with it, show the world your talent, even kind of keep it to yourself because it makes you feel special and talented. But if you can't do something, you tend to tell others what not to do. Like when parents try to live their lives through their kids - they failed at following their dreams how they wanted to, so they try to show their kids what not to do and how to follow their own dreams (or the parent's dreams) successfully. Basically, you tell people not to do something stupid so that they can be successful, and I guess you can ride off of their success because you couldn't manage it yourself.

I don't mean to make anyone sound selfish, but it's like if you're an actor and you got the part you wanted in a play, you want to impress everyone with your skills and would kill the person who tries to take your spotlight. But if something happens, like you get sick the day before the performance, then you can't do it anymore. So you want someone else to go on in your place, like an understudy, and make the play as best as it can be because it still kinda has your name on it and you still love it.

So, I had a point to make with all this. Lately, I've been giving lots of friends advice. I know, I should have no business doing so considering I fail at life, but maybe I'm just not meant to do the things I want to do. I want to have a good relationship where both me and him are happy, but I can't accomplish that yet. So I want to help my friends get in relationships so that they can be happy, and at least someone will be happy and in a way I would have created a successful relationship.

No, I haven't actually got them into a relationship yet, but they have made progress with their crushes, and well... only time and a lot of pushing will tell how things will work out. As for me, well... I still haven't talked to my boyfriend. Avoiding him like the plague, actually. I planned out exactly what I would say and even how I would respond to him because I can somewhat figure out what he would say. But I don't have the cajones to call him. Plus, the more I plan out something, the more likely it is to fail. So, yeah...

But there is an upside to all this:

This has been the first blog update where I wasn't totally depressed. Maybe it's because I get to see my best friends everyday, or make new friends, or keep myself busy, but I'm happy and I want to stay this way as long as possible.

I can't breathe

I wish you would understand that I need a break from you all. Even spending half of the day away from you all is not enough. You all are so suffocating and every minute I spend dealing with you is another minute I wish I was unconscious.

I love every single one of you. Really, I do.

But you all are way too much to handle at once.

If I can deal with this for the rest of my senior year, then I will look forward to going to college. I can deal with more school work and long distance, as long as my brain is free from at least some stress.

"Skip to the ending... I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up happy?"

"Skip to the ending... I'd like to know. Author of the moment, can you tell me? Do I end up happy?"

It's weird... as much as I love stories and happy endings, I can't really see myself wanting to know how my story will end. Mostly because I'm pretty sure it'll be the exact same way as it is now: me having everything I could possibly need, the possibility to have what I desire if I work hard for it, yet me never being truly happy. I feel spoiled and bratty, and often bitchy. I snap at people who are my friends and family and who want to help me. I can't let myself be happy because every single thought in my head just brings me down. Looking at my brothers and their autism, I wonder if I have my own mental problems. Depression never scared me. But schizophrenia? I'm not really one to self-diagnose, and I hate when people try to solve other people's problems without even knowing all the symptoms, but if I had to say what was ailing me, I'd say schizophrenia is a close one.

Right now, I am debating whether or not to break up with my boyfriend, not because he has done anything wrong because he hasn't, but because this whole thing is stressing me out to no end. He'd understand, and I know a lot of my friends have seen this coming, but I really don't know how he would react. Of course, I won't actually do this. I'll chicken out as always. I can't figure out if my chickening out of everything is a good thing or not.

People only express their true feelings online, where the keyboard is their sword and the screen their shield.

"People only express their true feelings online, where the keyboard is their sword and the screen their shield."

I don't remember when I first said this, but it's true, isn't it? Cyber-bullies would most likely not bother that person in real life. I know me and a lot of others wouldn't say how they really feel about themselves or their life if they had to say it to the people it involved.

Why has the internet become our place to speak? Does this mean that written or verbal expression is dying out?