Fireworks and Confidence

 

Maybe it's the fact that July 4th was recent, or just the fact that this was on my playlist, but this song has been in my head for a few days. When it first came out, I just liked it cause it was fun and catchy. Now that I listen to it, if you take away the poppy-tune surrounding it, I can hear the lyrics. 

I want to show the world that I am worth something, even if I have to prove it to myself first. 

I've been doing things I never thought I could do. I have a summer job and a job for the school year too, and I doubted I would get either one. I'm actually starting to get more comfortable with my body, even if it's not the desired appearance I want. (I still can't ever wear skinny jeans). And I've had the most active social life I've ever had this summer. If you combined all the times I've ever gone out with my friends in my life, it would not be the same amount of times that I've hung out with people junior year or this summer. I've come a long way and I'm proud of it.

Am I still depressed? Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. All your problems don't leave just because you find a few solutions. But still, I'm feeling better. Sure, my family and my self-esteem and all my other problems are still there but maybe I should just take one step at a time. 

I've also realized that sometimes problems do have to get worse before they get better. For example, a lot of organizations don't start or really get supported until a tragic event occurs related to that organization, and nobody calls the plumber until you've already tried to fix the small leak by yourself and accidentally flooded the whole kitchen. :)

My spastic friends found out about the blog, and after much pestering, I gave them the link so they could read it. I think we have this understanding where we can all complain about our problems and offer silly solutions just to cheer each other up, but in reality we don't know how to help each other. Nobody knows how to fix life's problems. Life is just too fucked up for that. We just gotta shove the broken pieces out of the way so we can continue on the path. You still might get hurt but it's a lot less painful to try moving on then to stay stuck in that same torture forever.

Which is why I need to hurry up and get to college! On the one side, I'd be free of my family, but might still have school issues and still have the self esteem issues. On the other side, if I go to school out of state, I'd be away from a lot of my friends who for some reason stay in the city even though they don't care for it that much. I know I don't have to cling to my friends, but if you still haven't realized, I cling to my friends a lot. I'd be a lonely hermit without them. Maybe I can just pack a few of them in my suitcase...

Anyway, since this is a much more happy blog post in comparison to the others, I'm gonna end this with something I rarely use, and recently my friends have discovered as well:

*CONFIDENCE*