Approval

Feeling utterly emo right now. Sometimes I feel like my boobs and my eyes and my sense of humour are my best assets, but when people only notice the weird things you say and the reserved way you act around them and the crazy way you act around your friends, it's a little hard to feel like the few people who do look at you are even looking at you for the right reasons.

My mom has been gone for a while now. That's normal when she goes to the store. I can't remember which store but she most likely went to another one by now, and there will be plenty of groceries, and I will complain about having to go downstairs to help her carry them up, and she'll be annoyed and say that some of this food will be eaten by me so I shouldn't complain, and I'll huff and say nothing. Then we'll argue about something else later.

She made me feel really stupid today. Every time she asked me to do something or asked for something, I never knew exactly what she wanted, and she scolded me for that. Am I supposed to be psychic?

She usually makes me feel slow. She even called me stupid once, and I know it shouldn't be such a big deal because parents get mad and say things and tease their kids all the time, but at that time, I felt like she really meant it. Everything she says cuts deeper than if anyone else said it. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to some people. I had this friend who was the type of person to voice his disapproval no matter what it was. He made you feel so clueless and inferior, and he didn't even mean to do it. He was smart and was in on all the inside jokes and knew about more stuff like movies and games and anime that I didn't know about because I just wasn't in-the-know. I guess it was because I didn't spend much time watching the hit shows as a kid, or making many friends, or playing the cooler video games. I was odd - I still am. But anyway, he could just make you feel so defective. What made it worse was that I fell in love with him, and when you have low self-esteem like I do, you are willing to sacrifice things to get what you think will make you happy. I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I did give up my self-respect, and let him make it an "open relationship" so he could ask out other girls yet still be with me. I didn't care if I had to share him - I had him, even a little bit. I didn't even realize how much it was killing me when he told me about the list of girls he wanted to ask out.

Well, long story short, I craved more attention so I talked to more guys, he got mad, and we got in a fight and broke up. It's a lot more convaluted then I am making it, but I've got to shorten this somehow.

Since then, I have realized he's an asshole. But I'm a forgiving person (somewhat) so I still call him my friend, I just am not nearly as close to him as I was before.

I get clingy to people who show me attention and affection. I apparently "smother them" and chase them away. He's called me clingy, I've had many other friends disappear because I was too childish and needy. But the thing is, I don't realize I want the attention sometimes.

I hate the attention I get sometimes because it's so negative, for example, my mother's naturally critical ways and my friend's arrogant nature. I always start off as a quiet person when introduced to groups of new people and I don't really open up until I make one friend. I started a summer program with nobody in my group and I kept quiet, but then I made a friend, and already I can see how clingy I'm being towards them. When my other friends showed up who are in the same program bu tin a different group, I cling to them as well and I think I make my new friend feel left out. I've even tried to not get too close to some of my friends out of fear that they'll leave too.

More than anything, I crave approval. Someone please tell me that I am not defective, I am not worthless, and I am not unnecessary. I don't want to be like an appendix or whatever that you just get removed when it starts bothering you and you don't need it anymore.