He almost killed us today. My brother, he attacked my mom while she was driving. We could have been in an accident so many times... the car swerved and jerked to sudden stops... and I couldn't do anything but watch as he hurt her and endangered us all. And for what? Who fucking knows. He's autistic, I know, it's not his fault.
But tonight, I wanted him to die.
It happens.
He's done it before, but it never had the effect on me that it did today.
Out of all my years, there have been rare moments where I saw my mother vulnerable, and that is when I know that we are headed for destruction.
I just want it to end, but I know that if it does, then my mom will have even more trouble trying to handle it all. I don't know if she's stronger than me, but I definitely get my determination from her.
I used to think that my life's purpose was to protect my brothers from ridicule and the dangers of the world.
Now I wonder if my purpose is to protect the world from my brothers.
And before you ask, I really don't think my life has a purpose other than to serve others. Even though I am terrible at it, I know that's what I'm here for.
So here I am tonight, still fearing death as always yet wishing for it to come. I don't want my life to end so soon, but isn't it better than the constant pain?
Sheesh!! This is intense!! I am so sorry. I don't have any other words than those and I wish I could tell you something to make it better.
ReplyDeleteYour absence would NOT make the world a better place... please know that. Don't go anywhere or do anything to endanger yourself - at least, where you have control, considering what you blogged regarding your brother's outburst.
Sending hugs,
Ms. C.
Besides pain means you're fully alive and experiencing living - it's often pain, literally and figuratively. BOO HISS to it, but it is a fact of life, unfortunately. You are being made stronger in order to "serve" others with your life experiences. Do not waste what you've learned by retreating or leaving this planet - for by sticking around you can help others from what you've learned and experienced. I hope this is not trite or cliche! I am not trying to give you a pat answer - just a smattering of hope!
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