My mom and I fought again and she called me stupid, so after trying to argue with her and failing, I with with a mostly silent treatment, only answering direct questions. She had gone into my grandparents house to pick up Julian cause we had been there earlier but he fell asleep so we went shopping without him, but yeah she went back to pick him up, then on the way home she apologized for calling me stupid. I was so confused, but I didn't look up from my book - I just said okay.
I can only assume that she talked about our fight with my grandma and she told her to behave or something, because my uncle and I fought like a week ago and he hasn't apologized so I know he wasn't helpful.
I've also learned that my mother hates sarcasm.
She's called me stupid before, and this time, while I was giving her the silent treatment I had to scream obscenities inside my head as if I had Tourettes - obscenities that I don't even use. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she irritates me, but this situation was resolved a lot easier than usual, so I'm good.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
If A Tree Falls In The Forest...
I knew I wouldn't be able to stay happy for too long. Me being happy is like a crime apparently.
I was helping my sister move today, and it was me, her, her fiance, his sister, and our uncle. My uncle, much like the rest of my family, is: stubborn, egotistical, ignorant, bossy, a know-it-all, and overall annoying. He was trying to butt his opinion into my sister's original plan, and my sister was like "it's late, we're tired, and we've already started on this plan. there's no point in changing it now." But he kept arguing with her. My sister has very little patience and my uncle was pushing her. At first, I expected it to just end with an awkward silence after somebody yelled or backed off, but no - my uncle had to ask what my opinion was.
He basically asked me to choose sides.
Would you ever want to choose sides in your family? Your stubborn, dysfunctional, breaking-at-the-seams family?
I didn't think so.
I wanted to stay out of it, but I'm never granted that wish. Even when family problems don't involve me directly, there is always last minute pressure put onto me, and I can't handle it.
I tried staying quiet, but he kept asking me my opinion, and I tried telling him that I don't have one, that I don't know who's right or wrong, and that this always happens - my family ends up arguing and I get dragged into it and I can't do anything... this is where my voice cracked and my sister knew I was upset and about to cry. My uncle didn't get the memo and kept bugging me, and then my sister snapped, screamed, threw a tantrum, and stormed off from the car. I'm used to her storming off like that, but that was the first time I showed that I wasn't as strong as I portrayed to my family.
And later, my uncle kept bringing it up. I told myself "if he says one more thing, I'm going to tell him to shut up. And I'm not kidding, I will actually tell them what is on my mind for once." Of course, Fate is a bitch though, and the next thing he said was not related to the previous argument, so it's like "well it doesn't make sense to tell him to shut up now." So I didn't say anything. However, later he asked me if I was still mad, and I gave him the silent treatment.
He finally listened to me. Tonight was the first time I stood up for myself against my family - I showed them how I felt, and then I showed them I was angry.
Silence speaks louder than words.
Later my sister apologized, but I don't know what she was apologizing for: the fact that I got upset, the fact that she stormed off yet again, the fact that my uncle kept bothering me or that I got dragged into the argument. It didn't matter. I know my family is dysfunctional, and there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I came into a delicate family tree, and over time the tree just started to wither and break and rot. I can't do anything but lop off my limb before it gets diseased like the rest.
I remember the day where my sister first stormed off after arguing with my mother. She came back once my mom went upstairs, grabbed her things, and told me "Stay in school. Get good grades, get into college, and then you can leave here. That's the only way - just leave." That's what she did - she's always distancing herself from us, so I'm not very close to her, but I can't argue with her here. I can't stop this tree from falling - I'm only one person. I have to plant myself somewhere else out of harm's way so I can keep growing.
I was helping my sister move today, and it was me, her, her fiance, his sister, and our uncle. My uncle, much like the rest of my family, is: stubborn, egotistical, ignorant, bossy, a know-it-all, and overall annoying. He was trying to butt his opinion into my sister's original plan, and my sister was like "it's late, we're tired, and we've already started on this plan. there's no point in changing it now." But he kept arguing with her. My sister has very little patience and my uncle was pushing her. At first, I expected it to just end with an awkward silence after somebody yelled or backed off, but no - my uncle had to ask what my opinion was.
He basically asked me to choose sides.
Would you ever want to choose sides in your family? Your stubborn, dysfunctional, breaking-at-the-seams family?
I didn't think so.
I wanted to stay out of it, but I'm never granted that wish. Even when family problems don't involve me directly, there is always last minute pressure put onto me, and I can't handle it.
I tried staying quiet, but he kept asking me my opinion, and I tried telling him that I don't have one, that I don't know who's right or wrong, and that this always happens - my family ends up arguing and I get dragged into it and I can't do anything... this is where my voice cracked and my sister knew I was upset and about to cry. My uncle didn't get the memo and kept bugging me, and then my sister snapped, screamed, threw a tantrum, and stormed off from the car. I'm used to her storming off like that, but that was the first time I showed that I wasn't as strong as I portrayed to my family.
And later, my uncle kept bringing it up. I told myself "if he says one more thing, I'm going to tell him to shut up. And I'm not kidding, I will actually tell them what is on my mind for once." Of course, Fate is a bitch though, and the next thing he said was not related to the previous argument, so it's like "well it doesn't make sense to tell him to shut up now." So I didn't say anything. However, later he asked me if I was still mad, and I gave him the silent treatment.
He finally listened to me. Tonight was the first time I stood up for myself against my family - I showed them how I felt, and then I showed them I was angry.
Silence speaks louder than words.
Later my sister apologized, but I don't know what she was apologizing for: the fact that I got upset, the fact that she stormed off yet again, the fact that my uncle kept bothering me or that I got dragged into the argument. It didn't matter. I know my family is dysfunctional, and there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I came into a delicate family tree, and over time the tree just started to wither and break and rot. I can't do anything but lop off my limb before it gets diseased like the rest.
I remember the day where my sister first stormed off after arguing with my mother. She came back once my mom went upstairs, grabbed her things, and told me "Stay in school. Get good grades, get into college, and then you can leave here. That's the only way - just leave." That's what she did - she's always distancing herself from us, so I'm not very close to her, but I can't argue with her here. I can't stop this tree from falling - I'm only one person. I have to plant myself somewhere else out of harm's way so I can keep growing.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
'Kill'joy
Today was scary. I was hanging out with my friends, and we were just being generally silly as always. But somewhere along the line, I just started laughing nonstop. I have a variety of laughs, but my friend said that this one sounded like Harlequin - the Joker's female assistant. After he said that, it was like I was permanently switched to laugh. I actually could not stop laughing for A WHOLE HOUR. I stopped laughing for maybe two minutes as I was coming down from my laughing fit, but just the stupidest thing would set me off again.
At one point my friends weren't even talking anymore and I was flipping through my friend's sketchbook, and I was still snickering under my breath. And later on, I thought I was finally done laughing, but I just looked at something and it started up again. I tried sitting by myself, blocking out the sounds around me, looking straight at the ceiling, but it wasn't until I my mom called and I had to talk to her that I was able to FINALLY stop laughing.
The whole experience was scary. I remembered a story where a guy had actually kept laughing for over 24 hours - he just couldn't stop - and he died. The whole time, I kept thinking "am I still breathing, is my heartbeat okay, when will this stop?" My head, my teeth, my cheeks, my ears, and my sides hurt after that, and on the bus ride home, I felt so drained and a little shaken up. I just felt like I wasn't even there anymore. Luckily I had at least one friend by my side at all times until I made it home, but still, it was very creepy.
I have come to the conclusion that I was either possessed by Harlequin, or I got high after eating at Subway. Since my friend was acting weirder after we both ate at Subway, I would say the second part is a possibility but both are still unlikely.
And that is just the weirdest part of my day, any other details have been clouded by my laughing fit.
*cue Twilight Zone theme music*
At one point my friends weren't even talking anymore and I was flipping through my friend's sketchbook, and I was still snickering under my breath. And later on, I thought I was finally done laughing, but I just looked at something and it started up again. I tried sitting by myself, blocking out the sounds around me, looking straight at the ceiling, but it wasn't until I my mom called and I had to talk to her that I was able to FINALLY stop laughing.
The whole experience was scary. I remembered a story where a guy had actually kept laughing for over 24 hours - he just couldn't stop - and he died. The whole time, I kept thinking "am I still breathing, is my heartbeat okay, when will this stop?" My head, my teeth, my cheeks, my ears, and my sides hurt after that, and on the bus ride home, I felt so drained and a little shaken up. I just felt like I wasn't even there anymore. Luckily I had at least one friend by my side at all times until I made it home, but still, it was very creepy.
I have come to the conclusion that I was either possessed by Harlequin, or I got high after eating at Subway. Since my friend was acting weirder after we both ate at Subway, I would say the second part is a possibility but both are still unlikely.
And that is just the weirdest part of my day, any other details have been clouded by my laughing fit.
*cue Twilight Zone theme music*
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
New York Minute
At the risk of being kicked out of my city by mentioning one of our rivals, I have been thinking about New York a lot lately. It started when I had one of those days where a random song gets stuck in your head, and Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys kicked in. But it was weird because something usually triggers the songs that get stuck in my head, but this just came out of nowhere.
In my summer program, we're working on our design ideas for Chicago, and New York just kept popping up in my head for some reason.
Then I was checking out this list of colleges that I had put together in a half-asleep state, and I came across New York University. Don't even remember why I had clicked on it in the first place, but whatever. A few days later, I watched Step Up 3, and it was based in New York at NYU. o_O But my friends do say that it is a good school.
So I have no idea why NY is on my brain, but I'm sure my head is trying to tell me something. Is it saying I should go to NYU, or avoid the city? No idea.
In my summer program, we're working on our design ideas for Chicago, and New York just kept popping up in my head for some reason.
Then I was checking out this list of colleges that I had put together in a half-asleep state, and I came across New York University. Don't even remember why I had clicked on it in the first place, but whatever. A few days later, I watched Step Up 3, and it was based in New York at NYU. o_O But my friends do say that it is a good school.
So I have no idea why NY is on my brain, but I'm sure my head is trying to tell me something. Is it saying I should go to NYU, or avoid the city? No idea.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
"Everyone laughed when she said she was a star... then she went super nova and blew them apart."
"Everyone laughed when she said she was a star... then she went super nova and blew them apart."
I guess I don't really have a blog post topic in mind today, but I found this quote and it really stuck out to me. It reminds me of something Lady Gaga would say (I admit it, I am a little monster, so sue me).
I've realized that I've taken a huge step from where I was a few years ago. I'm not the shy, suicidal girl I was. Don't get me wrong, I'm still nervous talking to authority figures, and boys, but I've also been quite flirty this summer. I don't know if it's the possibility that if I embarrass myself, I most likely won't have to see these people again, but I'm being somewhat more open. I've got a summer job and a job for the school year lined up. I'm ditching my baggy, boyish clothes for flowy tops and better fitting jeans. I feel like I'm a little bit of a late bloomer in this sense, but I think I'm finally becoming a teenager, or an adult, or a woman or, yeah I dunno, let's just say I'm growing.
So for all the haters who made fun of me or ignored me before, for all the people who try to tell me how to run my life when their own isn't even in check, I've got three words for you:
I'm. A. Star.
I've got plans for the future, but the best thing about having a whole new outlook on life is that...
I still have a future. I came from the depths of my depression, and I'll try my best not to go back, because I like how I've changed. It's a new year, with new opportunities, and I'm going to take them. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but now that I really want it, I'm not letting anyone take it away from me.
I guess I don't really have a blog post topic in mind today, but I found this quote and it really stuck out to me. It reminds me of something Lady Gaga would say (I admit it, I am a little monster, so sue me).
I've realized that I've taken a huge step from where I was a few years ago. I'm not the shy, suicidal girl I was. Don't get me wrong, I'm still nervous talking to authority figures, and boys, but I've also been quite flirty this summer. I don't know if it's the possibility that if I embarrass myself, I most likely won't have to see these people again, but I'm being somewhat more open. I've got a summer job and a job for the school year lined up. I'm ditching my baggy, boyish clothes for flowy tops and better fitting jeans. I feel like I'm a little bit of a late bloomer in this sense, but I think I'm finally becoming a teenager, or an adult, or a woman or, yeah I dunno, let's just say I'm growing.
So for all the haters who made fun of me or ignored me before, for all the people who try to tell me how to run my life when their own isn't even in check, I've got three words for you:
I'm. A. Star.
I've got plans for the future, but the best thing about having a whole new outlook on life is that...
I still have a future. I came from the depths of my depression, and I'll try my best not to go back, because I like how I've changed. It's a new year, with new opportunities, and I'm going to take them. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but now that I really want it, I'm not letting anyone take it away from me.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Weirdest revelation of my life. Now, I'm not sure, and since I'm always indecisive and confused, I won't make this official, but I might be bi-curious, or at least, questioning.
Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, liked my appearance (a rare thing), and for some reason, the thought that came to my head was, I wonder if I could ever be with a woman.
Now, my friends had been suggesting and joking about this for awhile now that I could be bisexual. I never took it seriously because well my friends are never serious about this stuff. But I have noticed something during the last school year: I would openly flirt with my close female friends and apparently they weren't sure if I was joking or not. I just figured that since I hung out with extremely perverted guy friends, I just picked up their habits. My brain is very open to suggestion like that. But sometimes I would notice that it was easier for me to say that a female was attractive then to find a male that was attractive. I never could find myself attractive to male muscles or anything like that, and I have a weird appreciation for the female torso.
I'm not self-diagnosing again, that was a possibility I considered. I'm just open to trying new things.
I've had terrible luck with relationships, and guys always ruin my self-esteem. I've always grown closest to my female friends in my depressive moods, and I love how nurturing and accepting they can be, I love how I never feel pressured or awkward around them, and I easily point out their best physical features.
I guess I'm just trying to explain my reasoning, but I don't think it's that simple. My brain is too confusing.
All I know is that I told myself I would be open to change this school year, and so far my wardrobe had been the only thing to change. I'm not scared of this possibility at all. Just a little unsure of how this will work out.
And as an added bonus, I found the perfect theme song for this new change and the things yet to come for my senior year. It's not just the title, or the fact that David Bowie is a GLBTQ advocate, but the lyrics really fit my new perspective.
I know some of my friends will take this as a joke - a lot of people are becoming bisexual nowadays, and two of my friends keep saying they are just waiting for me to come out of the closet, but I'm not even going to tell them about this, because I am that serious.
I don't know if I'll have better luck with females than I do with males, but it's not about finding a partner because one of my other changes for this year was that I will not worry about dating. If I can just be happy this year, then I'll know that I'm doing something right. Like I say, it's better to push your misfortune aside so you can continue living your life. I'm not sure if this is the right path for me, but at least I know I can change directions or just stop to smell the roses this way. I don't feel trapped or sad now, and that's good enough for me.
Today, I looked at myself in the mirror, liked my appearance (a rare thing), and for some reason, the thought that came to my head was, I wonder if I could ever be with a woman.
Now, my friends had been suggesting and joking about this for awhile now that I could be bisexual. I never took it seriously because well my friends are never serious about this stuff. But I have noticed something during the last school year: I would openly flirt with my close female friends and apparently they weren't sure if I was joking or not. I just figured that since I hung out with extremely perverted guy friends, I just picked up their habits. My brain is very open to suggestion like that. But sometimes I would notice that it was easier for me to say that a female was attractive then to find a male that was attractive. I never could find myself attractive to male muscles or anything like that, and I have a weird appreciation for the female torso.
I'm not self-diagnosing again, that was a possibility I considered. I'm just open to trying new things.
I've had terrible luck with relationships, and guys always ruin my self-esteem. I've always grown closest to my female friends in my depressive moods, and I love how nurturing and accepting they can be, I love how I never feel pressured or awkward around them, and I easily point out their best physical features.
I guess I'm just trying to explain my reasoning, but I don't think it's that simple. My brain is too confusing.
All I know is that I told myself I would be open to change this school year, and so far my wardrobe had been the only thing to change. I'm not scared of this possibility at all. Just a little unsure of how this will work out.
And as an added bonus, I found the perfect theme song for this new change and the things yet to come for my senior year. It's not just the title, or the fact that David Bowie is a GLBTQ advocate, but the lyrics really fit my new perspective.
I know some of my friends will take this as a joke - a lot of people are becoming bisexual nowadays, and two of my friends keep saying they are just waiting for me to come out of the closet, but I'm not even going to tell them about this, because I am that serious.
I don't know if I'll have better luck with females than I do with males, but it's not about finding a partner because one of my other changes for this year was that I will not worry about dating. If I can just be happy this year, then I'll know that I'm doing something right. Like I say, it's better to push your misfortune aside so you can continue living your life. I'm not sure if this is the right path for me, but at least I know I can change directions or just stop to smell the roses this way. I don't feel trapped or sad now, and that's good enough for me.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Rain
I don't think I'm asking for too much; all I want is a sweet kiss in the rain.
Lately I've been wondering if my criteria for happiness is too vague. For example, the only requirements I have for crushing on a guy is if they make me laugh and they have at least one interesting part of their appearance (hair, eyes, etc.). So far, that's gotten me two relationships with guys who aren't serious about anything and often leave me feeling worse when we end it then when I was without a guy at all, and multiple crushes that often lead to guys already taken or they just turn out to be assholes. I didn't think I was being picky, but all of these guys are really wrong for me in the most awkward ways, and some of them don't seem like they are even meant to be in a relationship yet. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but that's what I see.
I've given up on trying to be in a relationship - I'm too unstable for one right now. Yes, I finally called my boyfriend and we broke up, or at least I think we did. I told him why it wasn't working - and that we both knew from the beginning that relationships weren't my thing - and he just said okay, then proceeded to ask me about my day. He wasn't being nice or understanding or hiding his emotions. I know him. He was indifferent because he has no emotions. My last boyfriend had too many emotions, and multiple personalities. He's even admitted to this. Emotions aside, the guys I like are just weird. I thought weird was a good thing since I'm weird and my friends are weird, but maybe I need a normal guy to balance out my severely abnormal life.
I'm sure I'll be oblivious to this guy if he ever comes into my life, but if we share just one kiss in the rain, I'll know. Why? Because the rain is the most simple, beautiful, cleansing, healing, comforting, and destructive thing I can think of, and many of us take it for granted. True, sometimes the weather can be a bitch, but I'm talking about just a rain - gentle or pouring - that can give you a whole new outlook on life. Rain washes away the dark and the dingy so that you can see clearly afterward, and that realization usually leads up to a rainbow. I don't even need the rainbow, I just want the rain.
Lately I've been wondering if my criteria for happiness is too vague. For example, the only requirements I have for crushing on a guy is if they make me laugh and they have at least one interesting part of their appearance (hair, eyes, etc.). So far, that's gotten me two relationships with guys who aren't serious about anything and often leave me feeling worse when we end it then when I was without a guy at all, and multiple crushes that often lead to guys already taken or they just turn out to be assholes. I didn't think I was being picky, but all of these guys are really wrong for me in the most awkward ways, and some of them don't seem like they are even meant to be in a relationship yet. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but that's what I see.
I've given up on trying to be in a relationship - I'm too unstable for one right now. Yes, I finally called my boyfriend and we broke up, or at least I think we did. I told him why it wasn't working - and that we both knew from the beginning that relationships weren't my thing - and he just said okay, then proceeded to ask me about my day. He wasn't being nice or understanding or hiding his emotions. I know him. He was indifferent because he has no emotions. My last boyfriend had too many emotions, and multiple personalities. He's even admitted to this. Emotions aside, the guys I like are just weird. I thought weird was a good thing since I'm weird and my friends are weird, but maybe I need a normal guy to balance out my severely abnormal life.
I'm sure I'll be oblivious to this guy if he ever comes into my life, but if we share just one kiss in the rain, I'll know. Why? Because the rain is the most simple, beautiful, cleansing, healing, comforting, and destructive thing I can think of, and many of us take it for granted. True, sometimes the weather can be a bitch, but I'm talking about just a rain - gentle or pouring - that can give you a whole new outlook on life. Rain washes away the dark and the dingy so that you can see clearly afterward, and that realization usually leads up to a rainbow. I don't even need the rainbow, I just want the rain.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Death By Auto
He almost killed us today. My brother, he attacked my mom while she was driving. We could have been in an accident so many times... the car swerved and jerked to sudden stops... and I couldn't do anything but watch as he hurt her and endangered us all. And for what? Who fucking knows. He's autistic, I know, it's not his fault.
But tonight, I wanted him to die.
It happens.
He's done it before, but it never had the effect on me that it did today.
Out of all my years, there have been rare moments where I saw my mother vulnerable, and that is when I know that we are headed for destruction.
I just want it to end, but I know that if it does, then my mom will have even more trouble trying to handle it all. I don't know if she's stronger than me, but I definitely get my determination from her.
I used to think that my life's purpose was to protect my brothers from ridicule and the dangers of the world.
Now I wonder if my purpose is to protect the world from my brothers.
And before you ask, I really don't think my life has a purpose other than to serve others. Even though I am terrible at it, I know that's what I'm here for.
So here I am tonight, still fearing death as always yet wishing for it to come. I don't want my life to end so soon, but isn't it better than the constant pain?
But tonight, I wanted him to die.
It happens.
He's done it before, but it never had the effect on me that it did today.
Out of all my years, there have been rare moments where I saw my mother vulnerable, and that is when I know that we are headed for destruction.
I just want it to end, but I know that if it does, then my mom will have even more trouble trying to handle it all. I don't know if she's stronger than me, but I definitely get my determination from her.
I used to think that my life's purpose was to protect my brothers from ridicule and the dangers of the world.
Now I wonder if my purpose is to protect the world from my brothers.
And before you ask, I really don't think my life has a purpose other than to serve others. Even though I am terrible at it, I know that's what I'm here for.
So here I am tonight, still fearing death as always yet wishing for it to come. I don't want my life to end so soon, but isn't it better than the constant pain?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
When words fail, music speaks.
Okay Okay this is my last blog today I swear (technically it's tomorrow so ha!). I just had to comment on this:
When words fail, music speaks.
This is pure blasphemy to me. I mean, sure I've used lyrics as my Facebook status numerous times, and even put a song on repeat because it said exactly what I was feeling. But I don't think that music is taking place of words then because THE MUSIC USES WORDS. I think what people mean to say is "When OUR words fail, music speaks for us." Sometimes we can't phrase or express what we want to say, but with music, it's mainly the lyrics we use to express our feelings for us. However in some situations, when you're really sad or pissed or happy, you just blast the song because the beat or melody show what your mood is. But when people use the line "When words fail, music speaks" they mean the lyrics, and I just think it's kind of redundant.
When words fail, music speaks.
This is pure blasphemy to me. I mean, sure I've used lyrics as my Facebook status numerous times, and even put a song on repeat because it said exactly what I was feeling. But I don't think that music is taking place of words then because THE MUSIC USES WORDS. I think what people mean to say is "When OUR words fail, music speaks for us." Sometimes we can't phrase or express what we want to say, but with music, it's mainly the lyrics we use to express our feelings for us. However in some situations, when you're really sad or pissed or happy, you just blast the song because the beat or melody show what your mood is. But when people use the line "When words fail, music speaks" they mean the lyrics, and I just think it's kind of redundant.
Thank You
Busy fingers today - three blog posts? It's as if I have important things to say now... oh wait, I do.
There is someone I haven't put the spotlight on yet, and she's been here helping me since before I started writing this blog.
She's a beautiful person inside and out, and I love her for not judging me when I tell her my problems. When I first met her, my only thought was "thank Bob we won't have to deal with our regular teacher for awhile!" A little mean, but I'm not the first person in history to think that. As time went on, she helped me realize that poetry is great for more than expressing your sad feelings, and that Shakespeare can actually make sense, and that Hamlet was bad-ass, and that Doctor Who and Hamlet can fit together like Paramore and dubstep (for those of you who don't know, that is an amazing collaboration and should always exist). Even when she stopped being our teacher, she stayed in my life and let me babble on about my life and talked with me, and she is my top commenter.
I'm glad you were there, because I wouldn't have started blogging in the first place if it weren't for you. And who knows what would've happened without this outlet.
Hugs and lemon bars. <3
P.S. I will try my best to stop being such a Negative Nancy. How about a Neutral Noelle for now? :)
There is someone I haven't put the spotlight on yet, and she's been here helping me since before I started writing this blog.
She's a beautiful person inside and out, and I love her for not judging me when I tell her my problems. When I first met her, my only thought was "thank Bob we won't have to deal with our regular teacher for awhile!" A little mean, but I'm not the first person in history to think that. As time went on, she helped me realize that poetry is great for more than expressing your sad feelings, and that Shakespeare can actually make sense, and that Hamlet was bad-ass, and that Doctor Who and Hamlet can fit together like Paramore and dubstep (for those of you who don't know, that is an amazing collaboration and should always exist). Even when she stopped being our teacher, she stayed in my life and let me babble on about my life and talked with me, and she is my top commenter.
I'm glad you were there, because I wouldn't have started blogging in the first place if it weren't for you. And who knows what would've happened without this outlet.
Hugs and lemon bars. <3
P.S. I will try my best to stop being such a Negative Nancy. How about a Neutral Noelle for now? :)
My Art
So, I like to do graphic design. And I would like if people would look at my artwork. And I would like if you commented. I would not like it if you stole it.
I would cause bad things to happen to you if you stole it.
I would find you, and sic my friends with groping hands on you. And you won't like that - trust me.
Anyway, please lookit.
http://imperfecktion.deviantart.com/
I would cause bad things to happen to you if you stole it.
I would find you, and sic my friends with groping hands on you. And you won't like that - trust me.
Anyway, please lookit.
http://imperfecktion.deviantart.com/
Body
I've been thinking about changing my look for next year. It's a little late, since it's expected that you change your style in high school, but I've been dressing pretty much the same way since 6th grade and now I'll be a senior. But I'm tired of my shirts with phrases and pictures my whole school has seen multiple times, the jeans that for some reason seem a lot bigger now then they did before, and the bandanas I would quickly tie on my head every other morning because my hair was untamed. Not a very good look.
I don't know what I want my new look to be. I'm really not good at saying what I want, but I'm great at saying what I don't want. I guess I narrow down my options so I can make a decision. It make take a while, but it's really all that works for me.
I like my hair straight. I don't like how I have to nearly burn my scalp to keep it that way, but no pain, no gain. If I keep my hair straight, my mom said I could get streaks. Is she serious? No idea. I keep bringing it up subtly so she knows I really want this. I think I would get hot pink streaks in my hair. I like pink.
Other than my hair, I don't know what I want. Skirts make me feel ridiculous no matter what length, same with shorts really. I can't ever wear skinny jeans or leggings as pants, and I prefer to somewhat cover my skin, but if I wear a jacket, then I'm fine with short-sleeve. Body, body, body, why do we conflict so much?
I don't know what I want my new look to be. I'm really not good at saying what I want, but I'm great at saying what I don't want. I guess I narrow down my options so I can make a decision. It make take a while, but it's really all that works for me.
I like my hair straight. I don't like how I have to nearly burn my scalp to keep it that way, but no pain, no gain. If I keep my hair straight, my mom said I could get streaks. Is she serious? No idea. I keep bringing it up subtly so she knows I really want this. I think I would get hot pink streaks in my hair. I like pink.
Other than my hair, I don't know what I want. Skirts make me feel ridiculous no matter what length, same with shorts really. I can't ever wear skinny jeans or leggings as pants, and I prefer to somewhat cover my skin, but if I wear a jacket, then I'm fine with short-sleeve. Body, body, body, why do we conflict so much?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Fireworks and Confidence
I want to show the world that I am worth something, even if I have to prove it to myself first.
I've been doing things I never thought I could do. I have a summer job and a job for the school year too, and I doubted I would get either one. I'm actually starting to get more comfortable with my body, even if it's not the desired appearance I want. (I still can't ever wear skinny jeans). And I've had the most active social life I've ever had this summer. If you combined all the times I've ever gone out with my friends in my life, it would not be the same amount of times that I've hung out with people junior year or this summer. I've come a long way and I'm proud of it.
Am I still depressed? Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. All your problems don't leave just because you find a few solutions. But still, I'm feeling better. Sure, my family and my self-esteem and all my other problems are still there but maybe I should just take one step at a time.
I've also realized that sometimes problems do have to get worse before they get better. For example, a lot of organizations don't start or really get supported until a tragic event occurs related to that organization, and nobody calls the plumber until you've already tried to fix the small leak by yourself and accidentally flooded the whole kitchen. :)
My spastic friends found out about the blog, and after much pestering, I gave them the link so they could read it. I think we have this understanding where we can all complain about our problems and offer silly solutions just to cheer each other up, but in reality we don't know how to help each other. Nobody knows how to fix life's problems. Life is just too fucked up for that. We just gotta shove the broken pieces out of the way so we can continue on the path. You still might get hurt but it's a lot less painful to try moving on then to stay stuck in that same torture forever.
Which is why I need to hurry up and get to college! On the one side, I'd be free of my family, but might still have school issues and still have the self esteem issues. On the other side, if I go to school out of state, I'd be away from a lot of my friends who for some reason stay in the city even though they don't care for it that much. I know I don't have to cling to my friends, but if you still haven't realized, I cling to my friends a lot. I'd be a lonely hermit without them. Maybe I can just pack a few of them in my suitcase...
Anyway, since this is a much more happy blog post in comparison to the others, I'm gonna end this with something I rarely use, and recently my friends have discovered as well:
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Support
So, I know it's been like thirty seconds since my last post, but I just have to add that there are people who do see past my awkward loneliness. I have spastic friends who embarrass themselves more than I embarrass them, and almost every day we talk or hang out and I feel like we only click because we're funny and sometimes creepy and try to fix each others problems with (some) seriousness (but mostly joking suggestions). But one of my friends who I was never close to and who I rarely talk to except for the occasional Facebook comments and debates that occur only because of a mutual friend, tells me:
" I know we don't know each other that well and all, but for what it's worth, what I notice about you are your wit, your wisdom, and your strength. I know you have a lot to deal with, and you're very brave. If I saw all that when we barely even see each other, I'm sure I'm not the only one. You're a first-rate human being, and believe me, it shows."
- I actually cried, it made me that happy. And then of course one of my spastic friends had to comment about how "she just stole the spotlight. *ghetto moment*". So, maybe my spastic friends are little bit harder to read, but they do care about me in their unorthodox ways, and my less close friends see stuff in me that I didn't even notice. I'm still a depressive person, but now I remember why I put up with everything.
" I know we don't know each other that well and all, but for what it's worth, what I notice about you are your wit, your wisdom, and your strength. I know you have a lot to deal with, and you're very brave. If I saw all that when we barely even see each other, I'm sure I'm not the only one. You're a first-rate human being, and believe me, it shows."
- I actually cried, it made me that happy. And then of course one of my spastic friends had to comment about how "she just stole the spotlight. *ghetto moment*". So, maybe my spastic friends are little bit harder to read, but they do care about me in their unorthodox ways, and my less close friends see stuff in me that I didn't even notice. I'm still a depressive person, but now I remember why I put up with everything.
Approval
Feeling utterly emo right now. Sometimes I feel like my boobs and my eyes and my sense of humour are my best assets, but when people only notice the weird things you say and the reserved way you act around them and the crazy way you act around your friends, it's a little hard to feel like the few people who do look at you are even looking at you for the right reasons.
My mom has been gone for a while now. That's normal when she goes to the store. I can't remember which store but she most likely went to another one by now, and there will be plenty of groceries, and I will complain about having to go downstairs to help her carry them up, and she'll be annoyed and say that some of this food will be eaten by me so I shouldn't complain, and I'll huff and say nothing. Then we'll argue about something else later.
She made me feel really stupid today. Every time she asked me to do something or asked for something, I never knew exactly what she wanted, and she scolded me for that. Am I supposed to be psychic?
She usually makes me feel slow. She even called me stupid once, and I know it shouldn't be such a big deal because parents get mad and say things and tease their kids all the time, but at that time, I felt like she really meant it. Everything she says cuts deeper than if anyone else said it. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to some people. I had this friend who was the type of person to voice his disapproval no matter what it was. He made you feel so clueless and inferior, and he didn't even mean to do it. He was smart and was in on all the inside jokes and knew about more stuff like movies and games and anime that I didn't know about because I just wasn't in-the-know. I guess it was because I didn't spend much time watching the hit shows as a kid, or making many friends, or playing the cooler video games. I was odd - I still am. But anyway, he could just make you feel so defective. What made it worse was that I fell in love with him, and when you have low self-esteem like I do, you are willing to sacrifice things to get what you think will make you happy. I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I did give up my self-respect, and let him make it an "open relationship" so he could ask out other girls yet still be with me. I didn't care if I had to share him - I had him, even a little bit. I didn't even realize how much it was killing me when he told me about the list of girls he wanted to ask out.
Well, long story short, I craved more attention so I talked to more guys, he got mad, and we got in a fight and broke up. It's a lot more convaluted then I am making it, but I've got to shorten this somehow.
Since then, I have realized he's an asshole. But I'm a forgiving person (somewhat) so I still call him my friend, I just am not nearly as close to him as I was before.
I get clingy to people who show me attention and affection. I apparently "smother them" and chase them away. He's called me clingy, I've had many other friends disappear because I was too childish and needy. But the thing is, I don't realize I want the attention sometimes.
I hate the attention I get sometimes because it's so negative, for example, my mother's naturally critical ways and my friend's arrogant nature. I always start off as a quiet person when introduced to groups of new people and I don't really open up until I make one friend. I started a summer program with nobody in my group and I kept quiet, but then I made a friend, and already I can see how clingy I'm being towards them. When my other friends showed up who are in the same program bu tin a different group, I cling to them as well and I think I make my new friend feel left out. I've even tried to not get too close to some of my friends out of fear that they'll leave too.
More than anything, I crave approval. Someone please tell me that I am not defective, I am not worthless, and I am not unnecessary. I don't want to be like an appendix or whatever that you just get removed when it starts bothering you and you don't need it anymore.
My mom has been gone for a while now. That's normal when she goes to the store. I can't remember which store but she most likely went to another one by now, and there will be plenty of groceries, and I will complain about having to go downstairs to help her carry them up, and she'll be annoyed and say that some of this food will be eaten by me so I shouldn't complain, and I'll huff and say nothing. Then we'll argue about something else later.
She made me feel really stupid today. Every time she asked me to do something or asked for something, I never knew exactly what she wanted, and she scolded me for that. Am I supposed to be psychic?
She usually makes me feel slow. She even called me stupid once, and I know it shouldn't be such a big deal because parents get mad and say things and tease their kids all the time, but at that time, I felt like she really meant it. Everything she says cuts deeper than if anyone else said it. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive to some people. I had this friend who was the type of person to voice his disapproval no matter what it was. He made you feel so clueless and inferior, and he didn't even mean to do it. He was smart and was in on all the inside jokes and knew about more stuff like movies and games and anime that I didn't know about because I just wasn't in-the-know. I guess it was because I didn't spend much time watching the hit shows as a kid, or making many friends, or playing the cooler video games. I was odd - I still am. But anyway, he could just make you feel so defective. What made it worse was that I fell in love with him, and when you have low self-esteem like I do, you are willing to sacrifice things to get what you think will make you happy. I didn't do anything inappropriate, but I did give up my self-respect, and let him make it an "open relationship" so he could ask out other girls yet still be with me. I didn't care if I had to share him - I had him, even a little bit. I didn't even realize how much it was killing me when he told me about the list of girls he wanted to ask out.
Well, long story short, I craved more attention so I talked to more guys, he got mad, and we got in a fight and broke up. It's a lot more convaluted then I am making it, but I've got to shorten this somehow.
Since then, I have realized he's an asshole. But I'm a forgiving person (somewhat) so I still call him my friend, I just am not nearly as close to him as I was before.
I get clingy to people who show me attention and affection. I apparently "smother them" and chase them away. He's called me clingy, I've had many other friends disappear because I was too childish and needy. But the thing is, I don't realize I want the attention sometimes.
I hate the attention I get sometimes because it's so negative, for example, my mother's naturally critical ways and my friend's arrogant nature. I always start off as a quiet person when introduced to groups of new people and I don't really open up until I make one friend. I started a summer program with nobody in my group and I kept quiet, but then I made a friend, and already I can see how clingy I'm being towards them. When my other friends showed up who are in the same program bu tin a different group, I cling to them as well and I think I make my new friend feel left out. I've even tried to not get too close to some of my friends out of fear that they'll leave too.
More than anything, I crave approval. Someone please tell me that I am not defective, I am not worthless, and I am not unnecessary. I don't want to be like an appendix or whatever that you just get removed when it starts bothering you and you don't need it anymore.
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